1 . One of the cores of emotional intelligence is self-regulation, an important skill in the workplace. Like any skill, mastery of emotional self-control requires intentionality and practice.
Pause to Mentally Distance
When you notice your typical physiological experiences associated with strong negative emotion, what should you do? Mentally step out of your immediate experience. Asking yourself any question, or imagining what you might look like to others right now, will do the trick. At that point, although still physiologically keyed up, you will be able to ask yourself, “What is the best course of action right now?” or “What advice would I give someone else who is in my shoes?”
Take Control of Your Self-Talk
We’re frequently unaware of how much self-chatter is going on in the background of our minds. Such self-talk might not be in fully articulated (铰接式的) words or phrases, but instead little flashes of thought. Becoming aware of your self-talk can be difficult. Why is this an important skill to develop?
Seek Support from Partners
Ask others you trust to help you recognize when your emotions seem to be getting the best of you.
Cultivate (培养) Curiosity
Our brains are wired to draw conclusions and form judgments at lightning speed, and those are frequently the cause of our negative emotions.
A.They are comfortable with all emotions |
B.Those judgments are not necessarily accurate |
C.Doing so provides you with choices as to how to act |
D.Explain your developmental goals and sincerely ask for help |
E.Stay focused on coming up with an answer and following through on it |
F.Because it is those background beliefs that fuel our emotional responses |
G.Here are four ways you can develop greater emotional self-management |
2 . Back in 1964, in his book Games People Play, psychiatrist Eric Berne described a pattern of conversation he called “Why Don’t You — Yes But”, which remains one of the most annoying aspects of everyday social life. The person adopting the strategy is usually a chronic complainer. Something is terrible about their relationship, job, or other situation, and they complain about it endlessly, but find some excuse to dismiss any solution that’s proposed. The reason, of course, is that on some level they don’t want a solution; they want to be validated (认可) in their position that the world is out to get them. If they can “win” the game — dismissing every suggestion until interlocutor (对话者) gives up in annoyance — they get to feel pleasurably righteous (正当的) in their anger and excused from any obligation to change.
Part of the trouble here is the so-called responsibility/fault fallacy (谬误). When you’re feeling hard done by — taken for granted by your partner, say, or obliged to work for a stupid boss — it’s easy to become attached to the position that it’s not your job to address the matter, and that doing so would be an admission of fault. But there’s a confusion here. For example, if I were to discover a newborn at my front door, it wouldn’t be my fault, but it most certainly would be my responsibility. There would be choices to make, and no possibility of avoiding them, since trying to ignore the matter would be a choice. The point is that what goes for the baby on the doorstep is true in all cases: even if the other person is 100% in the wrong, there’s nothing to be gained, long-term, from using this as a justification to evade responsibility.
Should you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of complaining, there’s a clever way to shut it down — which is to agree with it. Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb describes this as “over-validation”. For one thing, you’ll be spared further complaining, since the other person’s motivation was to confirm her beliefs, and now you’re confirming them. But for another, as Gottlieb notes, people confronted with over-validation often hear their complaints afresh and start arguing back. The concept that they’re utterly powerless suddenly seems unrealistic, not to mention rather annoying — so they’re prompted instead to generate ideas about how they might change things.
“And then, sometimes, something magical might happen, ” Gotlieb writes. The other person “might realize she’s not as trapped as you are saying she is, or as she feels. ” Avoiding responsibility feels comfortable, but turns out to be a prison; whereas assuming responsibility feels unpleasant, but ends up being freeing.
1. What is the characteristic of a chronic complainer, according to Eric Berne?A.They are angry about their ill treatment and feel bitter towards whoever tries to help. |
B.They are habitually unhappy and endlessly find fault with people around them. |
C.They constantly dismiss others’ proposals while taking no responsibility for dealing with the problem. |
D.They lack the basic skills required for successful conversations with others. |
A.People tend to think that one should not be held responsible for others’ mistakes. |
B.It is easy to become attached to the position of overlooking one’s own fault. |
C.People are often at a loss when confronted with a number of choices. |
D.A distinction should be drawn between responsibility and fault. |
A.Stop them from going further by agreeing with them. |
B.Listen to their complaints attentively and sympathetically. |
C.Ask them to validate their beliefs with further evidence. |
D.Persuade them to clarify the confusion they caused. |
A.What is the responsibility/fault fallacy for chronic complainers? |
B.How can you avoid dangerous traps in everyday social life? |
C.Who are chronic complainers and how to deal with them? |
D.Why should we stop being a chronic complainer and assume responsibility? |
3 . How to Overcome Jealousy
Everyone feels a little jealous once in a while — maybe someone was acting better than you, or maybe your best friend has been having much fun with a new coworker.
However,
Admit how you’re feeling to yourself before you do anything else. If you notice you’re feeling a little jealous, take a few minutes to check in with yourself. It’s perfectly normal to get jealous once in a while, so don’t judge your feelings — just let yourself acknowledge that’s what’s going on.
Don’t act on your jealousy while you’re upset.
Remember that other people have problems, too.
A.if jealous thoughts become really disturbing. |
B.when you are always jealous of someone. |
C.Take some time to cool off so you won’t say anything you’ll regret. |
D.It can be really inviting to look at other people and think they have a perfect life. |
E.Embrace yourself for who you are. |
F.Reflect on the root of your jealous feelings. |
G.Sometimes, just naming our emotions can help us start to get some control over them. |