2 . Tips to help you overcome people-pleasing

Considering other people’s feelings and treating them with kindness is something we strive to do.    1    

When this happens, people-pleasing has crossed the line from kind and generous to self-abandonment — not being the authentic self because we’re afraid others will disapprove, criticize, or reject us. Here are tips for you to overcome such behaviors.

Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. It’s not something you do if you have time or if you deserve it. Taking care of your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical needs keeps you healthy. Without it, you’ll get sick, stressed, and irritable. Try putting self-care activities (exercise, socializing, hobbies, etc.) on your calendar to ensure that self-care is a priority.

One big mistake people-pleasers make is acting as if everyone’s opinion matters equally. You don’t differentiate whose opinion matters more. Generally, the closer the relationship, the more you’ll value their opinion and want to please them. Thus, it’s natural to want to do things to make your loved ones happy.     3    

Most people worry that painful conflicts will destroy relationships.     4     But it’s not helpful or possible. When you avoid conflict, you suppress your feelings and needs. And this causes you to disconnect from yourself and from others. But healthy conflict is the one in which both parties can respectfully express themselves.     5     This is quite different from the unhealthy conflicts.

3 . Saying “thank you” when you receive an unexpected gift is all well and good, but how can you get a little creative with your appreciation? As it turns out, there are plenty of ways to express your gratitude to others while remaining gracious and sincere.     1    . We’ll show you how to say thank you in exciting and meaningful ways!

I appreciate this.     2    . A great “thank you” involves expressing appreciation for the gift and explaining why you’re grateful. For added value, you can even describe what you’ll do with their gifts if you have an idea.

You’ve made my day! Show them that their gifts turned your day around. Telling someone that they made your day will make the giver feel that their gifts are much more meaningful and worthwhile.     3     .

It’s like you read my mind! Thank you. Compliment (恭维) their gift-giving skills.     4     , it can be likely that they really know you and are anticipating your needs without having to ask you what you want! Show them how touched you are by letting them know that their gifts are exactly what you want.

    5    . Show them how surprised you are. If someone goes out of their way to give you an unexpected gift, make sure they know they succeeded in their mission to surprise and delight you. Say “thanks” and express your shock at the same time. For example, you should have seen me; my eyes almost popped out of my head! Thank you for the lovely surprise.

4 . Have you ever struggled to understand how someone else feels? Building up your empathy (同理心) skills helps you connect with your friends.     1    

What is empathy?

Empathy is a kind of capability that lets you step into someone else’s shoes and then figure out how they are feeling. For instance, if you can see your friend is upset after losing a football match and you support them by telling them some warm and motivating words, you are showing empathy. Miranda McKeamey set up an organization called EmpathyLab that builds empathy through reading.     2     “Empathy is a force for change,” she says.

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Scientists say empathy isn’t something you are born with, it’s a skill you can acquire through learning. One way you can do this is by active listening. When someone is talking to you, listen closely and respond in a way that shows you understand their situations and emotions thoroughly. Reading, advocated by EmpathyLab, is also a great way to boost empathy, since stories can take you inside someone else’s mind and show you the world through their eves and emotions.

Put empathy into action.

    4     This could mean trying out something that is important to a friend or family member, like exploring their favorite place. EmpathyLab advocated ideas for putting empathy into action in schools or at home. That might be connecting with someone new in your class and having a friendly conversation, or making small changes to your behaviour. All small acts of kindness to others can make a difference, which in turn will be copied by someone else.     5    

5 . Have you ever wondered why different people react differently to the things you say and do? Maybe you told your parents a story that made them laugh, but found that the same story was upsetting to the kids at school. What caused them to react so differently?     1    

Boundaries are the cut-off point between what a person finds funny and charming, and what they find hurtful and inappropriate.     2     You may not always share a person’s boundaries, but it’s still important to respect them.

    3     That’s why it’s especially important to be a good listener when you’re first getting to know someone. Listening will help you get a feel for the topics they are comfortable discussing.     4     If they become withdrawn when you bring up a certain topic, or they try to change subjects, you may be making them uncomfortable. Then it is better to pull back in the conversation, and let them take the lead for a while.

While many people won’t tell you directly that you’ve made them uncomfortable, some people will.     5     In that case, it’s always best to apologize and correct the offensive behavior. Failing to take a step back can create a lot of discomfort for the people around you. Most people can forgive a one-time slip, but you should avoid making the same mistake repeatedly, which can damage a friendship.

6 . It is so easy to just go home and shut your door without getting to know your neighbors. But being an active neighbor will turn your living place into a kinder and more caring neighborhood.

    1    . You don’t have to show up with a fresh apple pie or anything like that. It’s truly as simple as saying hello, introducing yourself and asking a few open-ended questions. But they are the first step to becoming a kind neighbor.

Then get out of your comfort zone and make efforts to know more about your neighbors.     2    . And if you feel comfortable, let them know that you’re there to help, if they ever need another hand.

Another way to show your neighbors that you care is by making your small acts of kindness a regular practice. This can be cleaning up the litter or even cleaning up after the pets have made a mess on your block.     3    , you can ask your partner or kids to pick a bunch of flowers from the garden to give your new neighbor.     4    .

Remind yourself that being connected feels good and boosts your mood in the long run. If you take the first step, your small acts of kindness can encourage others to pay that kindness forward.     5    . Challenging as they are, reaching out to your neighbors is worth the efforts.

8 . We’ve all been in a position where life gets busy, schedules are difficult to coordinate and connecting with friends feels harder than ever. With some friendships, we may lose touch and want to reconnect. However，the more time that passes, the more uncertain it can feel if they want to hear from us.

A recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology says it’s time to reach out. Researchers found numerous benefits when reaching out to friends and old acquaintances. Especially if you’re unsure of how well they’ll receive hearing from you. The study, led by Dr Peggy Liu, is called The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think. In the study, researchers posed the question: Do people accurately understand how much other people value being reached out to by someone in their social circle? To answer this question, researchers carried out 13 experiments with more than 5,900 participants. In the experiments, researchers measured how much people estimated their friends or acquaintances would appreciate them reaching out versus how much those on the receiving end did appreciate it. They also examined different forms of communication-phone calls, texts, emails, notes or even small gifts—and their impact.

Over the series of experiments, experts discovered a similar trend: those reaching out significantly underestimated how much their friends would appreciate hearing from them. Plus, the more unexpected the communication was, the more the friend on the receiving end appreciated it. “People are fundamentally social beings and enjoy connecting with others,” the researchers wrote.

In fact, what made these moments of reaching out so impactful was the effort they showed—no matter the form of communication. Dr Amie Gordon, a social psychologist at the University of Michigan, emphasises the importance of small moments and making efforts in relationships in a Psychology Today article. “In a busy life, these little moments might feel just like that—little moments that don’t really matter ... But each moment we ignore is a missed opportunity to connect and build up an emotional bank of positive moments.”

The science is clear—people appreciate the effort we put into our friendships. And we greatly underestimate it. One phenomenon that may explain why those who reached out underestimated their positive impact is because of “the liking gap”. Psychologist Terri Apter writes in Psychology Today that the liking gap is a tendency to “how we often underestimate other’s responses to us”, and the reality that other people like us more than we may think.

9 . What do work relationships, personal relationships and diplomacy have in common? First, they best function when based on purely positive energy.

I developed a more remarkable ability to relate to the people in my life after taking multiple courses from an organization. The organization offers advice far more than anything I’ve ever experienced. As an example of the benefits of their teachings, my decade conflict with my mom has turned into loving relationship. This turnaround was critical since she is now in her late 70s. This renewed love was worth my investment in training or the organization. Had I continued down my former path, I believe my life today would be one of suffering.

They teach never to criticize, condemn, or complain. I have applied these principles to great success in all my relationships. And the rewards have been astounding, beyond my imagination. But in my role of management at work, I need to learn how to combine authority with positivity.

Recently, however, I found a solution. In other words, I discovered the secret to maintaining authority in the workplace while maintaining pure positivity. For the most part, I found it in Napoleon Hill’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I found many of the same principles taught by the organization, but the guidelines were less optimistic in Hill’s book. For instance, Napoleon Hill’s advice on criticizing without offending suggests we start by mentioning the positives about the person and then follow up with criticism.

But, of course, the organization advises against all complaints and I’ve concluded that work relationships, too, shouldn’t have any criticisms. Instead, work relationships should focus on another of Napoleon Hill’s strategies: focusing only on the positives while using suggestions instead of criticism. In other words, say, “That looks great. Do you think this addition might make it even better?” instead of “Here’s what that is lacking.”