【推荐3】Whether it's the slow drifting apart from a childhood friend, the sudden, sharp distance created by a disagreement, or one of the many relationships that have quietly fallen away during the pandemic, losing someone that you thought would always be in your life is deeply jarring.

But friendship breakups will happen over the course of our lives, and we need to start learning how to deal with them in healthy ways, says friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson.

The most significant thing we need to do, says Jackson, is normalize the fact that sometimes friendships do end and that can actually be healthy. However, we haven't been taught to carry this expectation into our friend relationships.

“We’re not looking at our friends through a lens (透镜) of ‘Gosh,I hope this works out’, but we’ll do that with a romantic partner for sure,” says Jackson. “ With a partner, we wonder if they're going to be the one. But with friends, we assume they' re the one from the minute we establish that we like each other.”

And because we don't view the loss of a friendship as a normal occurrence, it feels like a personal failing when it happens and something we should be ashamed of. Or, as Jackson puts it, “If friendship is supposed to be easy and yours ended, what did you do wrong?”

But that isn't the case.

Friendships, like any relationship, sometimes aren't meant to be and even if they are, maintaining them takes real work. Kristen Newton has been interested in this work for years and founded HEART Convos, which aims to help people who feel stuck in unsatisfying friendships have the kind of open and honest communication that keeps a friendship healthy.

“I think we feel blindsided because we belittle the value and significance of our social connections and friendship. Yet we recognize the weight that they carry when they don't work out, and we experience that hurt and disappointment,” she says.

【推荐1】My daughter Eve used to love the Lightning McQueen character from the film ‘Cars’. As a little baby she began to stop and smile every time she saw the character. She was happy when a relative bought her some ‘Cars’ toys.

I knew her interest in ‘Cars’ had disappeared recently; she’s developed new interests since starting school. But when I found myself in a hurry to buy juice cartons(盒装果汁), and the choice was between ‘Disney Princess’ or ‘Cars’ cartons, I took the ‘Cars’ ones.

The next morning she saw a carton go into her lunch bag and took it out. She said it embarrassed her. She told me it was because ‘Cars’ is ‘boyish’. When I said to her that I thought she liked ‘Cars’, she said, very quietly, “I do, but I don’t want anyone to know“. Eve says children should be able to like whatever they want to, but the pressure to behave ‘like a girl’ has got to her.

Children do understand the gendered messages they receive. They understand the gender rule ‘This is for boys and that is for girls, ‘in the same way as other kinds of social rules. The period between birth and age 7 is called The Imprint Period, because this is when children learn about everything around them. They accept much of it as true. It’s one of the reasons gender-stereotyped(性别刻板印象的)toys can be so damaging.

From the moment they are born, children are expected to live up to expectations of what it means to be a boy or a girl. It’s easy to see that they are influenced by the way toys are marketed. Children accept what their world tells them, so it’s necessary to change the harmful stereotypes they are being sold.

【推荐3】About 72% of Americans use social media, where it’s common to make new friends, build relationships, or share photos of your daily life.

Social media allows people to connect in ways that wouldn’t otherwise be possible, and can often expand (扩展) people’s social circles, says Kathryn Moore, Ph. D., a psychologist at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica. On social media, you can connect with those people in similar situations and share worries, fears, and celebrations, Moore says. According to her research, up to 64% of teens report they have made a new friend online, for example, and 83% of teens report that social media makes them feel more connected with their friends.

Social media can negatively impact relationships when you start comparing yourself to other people, including your friends, just based on their social media, Moore says. For example, some may fear their lives aren’t as good as their friends’ and take friendships away because they feel they’re not good enough. Problems with self-esteem (自尊) can also appear when posting about some relationships on social media, but not all of them. “People might feel left out that they’re not as important if they’re not being shared on social media,” Moore says. Cyberbullying (网络霸凌) can also negatively impact relationships, whether you are receiving mean comments or sending them to someone else.

In order to grow a relationship that started online you should show the real you. To deepen a relationship that started on social media, Moore suggests talking on the phone or meeting in person. This allows for more fluid (流畅的) conversations, where you can communicate in real time. Remember that the people who you meet online can become an important part of your life.

“If a relationship created through online resources is treated with respect and consideration, it can be a great way to meet someone you might never have had the chance to meet,” says Don Grant, Ph. D., chairman of the American Psychological Association’s Device Management & Intelligence Committee.

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【推荐1】Out of all the relationships we have in our lifetime, the one with our parents is the most important. When you think about it, no other relationship is like the one we have with our mom and dad: when we’re young, our parents care for us; when our parents are old, we care for them. But in the middle of this long bond, there usually comes a time when it seems like our parents are our biggest enemies: when we’re teenagers.

As kids, we love nothing more than spending as much time as we can with our parents.     1    

As US psychologist Lisa Damour wrote recently, “Many parents of teenagers long for the days when their preteen laughed at their jokes and happily came along on errands.” So, why is it that as we begin to enter adulthood, we feel so different about the two people who brought us into the world? “Teenagers are going through a very stressful time in their lives: they want to please us, but they also want to break away,” US psychologist Michele Borba said. Borba’s second point is perhaps the biggest reason why our attitude toward our parents changes as we grow older.     2    

We’re no longer kids, and as young adults, we try to be as independent as possible. We soon start to put our friends before our parents. Before we know it, things at home are completely different. But rather than pushing our parents away, we should pay attention to their advice instead of ignoring it.

“    3    They’re my own support system. Everybody thinks friends are more important, but they’re not,” a teenage girl told an Australian website.

Although sometimes it may seem impossible to follow everything our parents tell us, there’s one thing we should remember - respect is something that works two ways:     4    

It means that instead of not following our parents’ wishes, we should show how mature we are by trusting their wisdom. Indeed, as the girl pointed out, “    5    Family is always there.”

【推荐2】My husband and I dated for six years before we got married. And we’d known each other for four years before that. We went to pre-marriage counselling(咨询). We even took a test. It said we were a good match.

So, after knowing each other for 10 years and taking steps to find out our marriage readiness, one might assume there was nothing left to learn about one another.

But one would be wrong.

All was going smoothly in our new marriage. We shared the housework, figured out money management, and agreed on religion. No problem. Then came the trouble with toothpaste.

Our toothpaste brought us to our knees and demanded to know what we were made of. You see, my husband likes to carefully fold and roll the toothpaste tube. I like to grab it in the middle and squeeze. I might call his folding a bit obsessive(强迫症的). He might consider my squeezing careless and rude. This difference in style may seem slight, but it caused the first trouble in our newly formed marriage.

At first it was a little joke. I’d squeeze. He’d roll. Ha, ha. I’d squeeze again. He’d roll again. Upsetting. I’d squeeze even when I wasn’t brushing my teeth. He’d go back in to roll, roll, roll.

Two weeks later, it was inevitable that we finally met face to face in our tiny pink bathroom with our hands on the toothpaste. We actually shouted at each other. I may have even cried. Why was he so obsessive? Why was I so vindictive(想复仇的)? Why couldn’t he loosen up? Why couldn’t I get it together? Were we still talking about the toothpaste?

Thankfully, we thought of a solution. And it was simple but significant: we bought two tubes of toothpaste—one for me to squeeze and one for him to roll.

And that made all the difference. Keeping the small things small saves your energy for the bigger things later on.

And there are always bigger things. Like loading the dishwasher: my husband has a particular way of loading the dishwasher and it differs from my way.

But it is more important to him, so I let him load the dishwasher. The same goes with doing the laundry. I like the clothes folded a certain way, so I fold the clothes and put them away. Why focus on the differences that could separate us? Instead, I think it’s better to split the duties, or buy two tubes of toothpaste, and live in relative harmony.

Now, 22 years later, the trouble with toothpaste is over. We still have our own tubes. But every so often, when one tube runs out, we sometimes forget to rush to the store to get another. Instead, we share the toothpaste for a while. Sometimes I squeeze it, but mostly I roll. I admit it does keep the tube neater. And every so often I catch my husband squeezing when he thinks I’m just brushing my hair.

【推荐3】In today’s society, many people believe that education is the key to a successful relationship.

    1    . In fact, research has shown that education level is not a significant predictor of relationship satisfaction or longevity. So, does education matter in a relationship?

    2    . Couples in which both partners have a high level of education are more likely to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and stability than couples in which only one partner is highly educated. Additionally, these couples are also more likely to engage in thoughtful conversations and activities together,     3    .

On the other hand, couples in which only one partner is highly educated may find that their different educational levels create tension or conflict within the relationship. This tension may be due to the fact that the less-educated partner feels inferior or unimportant 9 or because the more-educated partner feels that they are always right and the other partner is wrong.     4    .

So, while education may not be necessary for a successful relationship, it can certainly help to have shared interests and goals. If you and your partner are on different educational levels, try to find ways to connect with each other through other interests and activities. Communication and compromise are also important factors in any successful relationship.

In conclusion, education does matter in a relationship. However, it is not the only thing that matters.     5    , such as communication, mutual respect, and shared values.