What My Wife and I Talk about When We Talk about Love

My wife used to believe that romantic love is the most important and exciting thing in the entire world when she was a teenager. And the mark of true love is when two good-looking boys get in a physical fight over her. It’s even     1     that they both get injured but don’t end up going to hospital, not because she is worried about them but because it may cause her a lot of     2     and indirect responsibility. One day this will certainly happen to her, if she’s lucky. So you might understand her anger and frustration when I told her that if the other male competitor I have to “fight” with weighs more than 100 kilograms, I will simply hand her over to him without     3    , wish them a happy marriage and walk away with the feeling that tomorrow is another day.

Fortunately, we’ve both grown a lot older and grown out of expecting our life partner to “die” for us     4    . The older we get, the more honest, open and vulnerable we allow each other to be. One of the hardest things about getting older and being in love is knowing when something is just reality and when it’s too much hard work. Identifying what the calm, joyful but often challenging sensation of long-term love is and identifying what has just become totally intolerable is where we all have to really     5     our instincts.

Shared interests are one of the most overrated     6     factors when it comes to choosing a partner. Deciding that someone is a good person, or your soulmate, or made of exactly the same stuff as you just because you both love the music of Faye Wong is ridiculous. Having the same Agatha Christie collection or enjoying most of the movies directed by Richard Linklater will not help you     7     the various unexpected storms of life together.

A much more crucial factor in terms of finding a partner is how much you love their     8    . Since my son was born, I have experienced firsthand how overwhelming it is to be a working parent of a newborn. It has become even more apparent to me that the most important thing in a relationship is how well married couples work as a team. Couples need to be really, really good friends.

When you’re looking for love, and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have     9     to plenty of love already, just not the romantic kind. This kind of love might not kiss you in the rain or propose marriage. But it will listen to you, inspire and     10     you. It will hold you when you cry and celebrate when you smile. You can carry it with you and keep it as close to you as you can.

The art of growing bald gracefully

There are three important days in every bald(ing) man’s life: The day you realize you’re losing your hair, the day you realize you should shave off what remains, and the day you finally do.     1     (grow) bald gracefully is about reducing the gap between these milestones as far as possible. I learned this the hard way.

My fear     2     all hairless men look the same is reinforced by the fact that people keep saying I look like my dad. No one     3     (note) this resemblance before. Now, suddenly, we`re like two shiny-headed. bearded peas in a pod. There is a certain poetic justice here, and I suffer regular flashbacks to the bald jokes I’d tell at my dad’s expense.

Whether he’s     4     (blame) for my hairline is matter of debate. Studies of identical twins have found that heredity (遗传) factors account for around 80% of men’s tendency to go bald,     5     the genetics are poorly understood. An old wives’ tale dictates that hair loss is passed down via the mother,     6     means your maternal grandfather’s hairline is the best predictor of your own.

Lifestyle factors can play a part, and I often wonder whether my fate was hastened by eating trans fats and not sleeping enough, or by living in big cities during some of its most seriously     7     (pollute) years. But my hairline’s retreat was likely predestined. As such, I am at peace with it. Although I didn’t grow bald gracefully, I can still aspire to be bald with grace.

Anton was the first among my friends     8     (go) bald. While I had the luxury of holding out until aged 35, he was 18 when he first found clumps of hair on the pillow. Anton’s advice for me and fellow newcomers is as follows: Moisturize (滋润) your head daily, shave it every few days and wear hats to protect against the sun and heat loss alike. If you have a beard, keep it     9     (brush); if you’re muscly, be aware of terrifying people and disarm them with a smile. And remember, he concluded, the way you carry yourself matters more than     10     is — or isn’t — growing from the top of your head.

4 . I wanted the pleasure of being in Africa again. Feeling that the place was so large that it contained many untold tales and some hope and comedy and sweetness too, I aimed to reinsert myself in the bundy, as we used to call the bush, and to wander around. There I had lived and worked, happily, almost forty years ago, in the heart of the greenest continent.

In those old undramatic days of my school teaching in the bundu, folks lived their lives on bush paths at the end of unpaved roads of red clay, in villages of grass-roofed huts. They had a new national flag, they had just gotten the vote, some had bikes, many talked about buying their first pair of shoes. They were hopeful, and, so was I, a schoolteacher living near a settlement of mud-huts among trees and fields—children shouting at play; and women bent double—most with infants on their backs—hoeing(锄地) the corn beans; and the men sitting in the shade.

The Swahili word safari means “journey”, it has nothing to do with animals, someone “on safari” is just away and unobtainable and out of touch. Out of touch in Africa was where I wanted to be. The wish to disappear sends many travellers away. If you are thoroughly sick of being kept waiting at home or at work, travel is perfect: let other people wait for a change. Travel is a sort of revenge(报复) for having been put on hold, or having to leave messages on answering machines, not knowing your party’s extension, being kept waiting all your working life. But also being kept waiting is the human condition.

Travel in the African bush can also be a sort of revenge on mobile phones and email, on telephones and the daily paper, on the aspects of globalization that allow anyone who chooses to get their hands on you. I desired to be unobtainable. I was going to Africa for the best of reasons—in a spirit of discovery—simply to disappear, to light out, with a suggestion of I dare you to try to find me.

Home had become a routine, and routine made time pass quickly. I was a sitting duck in this predictable routine: people knew when to call me, they knew when I would be at my desk. I was in such regular touch that it was like having a job, a mode of life I hated. I was sick of being called up and asked for favors, hit up for money. You stick around too long and people begin to impose their own deadlines on you.

5 . It’s 3000 years ago, and people make the things they need by hand. They use metals, such as bronze and tin, to make tools and weapons, but these metals are hard to find. A group of people called the Hittites begin ________with a unique rock called iron ore, which is easy to find and mine. They make a(n) ________: By heating this rock, they get a new metal, called iron, which they can shape into sharp knives and other tools. The Hittites see little use for iron, ________, beyond making these simple tools. Never in their wildest dreams can they imagine the ________ iron will have on the world. But it’s where the story of the ________ begins.

This early form of iron isn’t strong enough for large things like buildings. Over thousands of years, though, people learned ways to make iron stronger. They ________ their rock ovens, raising the temperature and adding different minerals to the ore. Each experiment ________ the process, as people learned to change iron into carbon steel.

Finally, in 1855, an English engineer named Henry Bessemer invented a machine that turned large amounts of iron into steel in just minutes, which is strong and can be made into nearly any ________, including frames for tall buildings. Still the first skyscraper wasn’t built for almost 30 years. Why? Nobody wanted to walk up and down all those stairs. Tall buildings need a way to elevate people and objects. Although elevators existed, they weren’t safe enough for people. Pretty soon, seeing steel cables supporting bridges led people to ________ how steel cables could make elevators safe. And with safe elevators, you could build much ________ buildings. In 1884, the Home Insurance Building, the first skyscraper, rose. It was 138 feet high — higher than any other building at that time. It had ten storeys and four elevators — a miracle at the time!

The mighty skyscraper is much more than a building, though: It’s a ________ of what we can accomplish when we just try things. Inventions come from ideas, big and small, and from people old and young. So put on your thinking caps, because the great inventions of the future ________ your ideas today!

9 . Criticism is judgment. A critic is a judge. A judge must study and think about the material presented to him, accept it, correct it or reject it after thinking over what he has read, watched or heard.

Another word for criticism is appreciation. When I criticize or appreciate some object or another, I look for its good points and bad points. In reading any printed or written matter, I always have a pencil in hand and put any comments in the book or on a separate paper. In other words, I always talk back to the writer.

That sort of critical reading might well be called creative reading because I am thinking along with the author, asking him questions, seeing whether he answers the questions and how well he answers them. I mark the good passages to store them in my memory and ask myself about every other part and about the complete piece of writing; where, how and why could or should I improve upon it?

You might think that doing what I suggested is work. Yes, it is, but the work is a pleasure because I can feel my brain expanding, my emotion reacting and my way of living change.

Reading exercises is a great influence on a person. If pictures, still or moving, accompany the reading, the memory will retain the material for a long time.

Just as evil books can corrupt, so also can good books gradually work a change on a corrupt person.

Let's get back to the beneficial effects of thinking while reading. It helps us to enlarge our minds. We understand more about the universe, its people and many of its wonders. We learn to think and observe in new ways. We certainly do get a feeling for the language we are reading. All good writers in any language have been readers who read critically and continuously.

Although literally hundreds of traps can open a gateway to team disaster, the following traps are among the most common ones that need to be discussed.

Some managers, in their sincere efforts to be good team leaders, make a serious mistake: they withdraw from their group and     1     avoid interacting with team members. They wrongly assume that the best way they can help the team become more self-directed is by personally becoming less     2    .

A team can become so focused on achieving its own goals that it does not consider the     3     its actions may have on other groups or organizations. Outsiders see the team as arrogant and cruel. Insiders see the team as effective and misunderstood. Overall, the team’s belief in its own     4     has a damaging effect on the performance of the organization as a whole.

In this trap, a team may regularly make decision on which no following action is ever taken. Members are then frustrated by the collective     5     of responsibility. In instances where action is taken and the execution is poor or a mistake is made, no one takes responsibility. It is rarely clear who is responsible for     6     action items, and when an action item is regarded as the responsibility of the entire team, nothing happens.

Failure to see the “big picture” can lead a team to     7     strategies that help improve its own performance but leave the rest of the organization in a mess. Not having the information that allows seeing the forest rather than the trees can lead to suspect plans and poorly reasoned decision.

Teams that have a tendency to repeatedly postpone difficult decisions will find that their options become increasingly     8    . Ironically, by hesitating, the team finally makes a decision—by default rather than by informed choices.

Tricks to increase employee involvement and participation—like suggestion boxes—can actually have the     9     effect. When individuals are rewarded for contributing suggestions through cash, there is little incentive (激励) for team members to work together to     10     problems and implement solutions.