1 . “Individuals of all ages who have empathy (共情) understand that sometimes telling little white lies can protect other people from getting hurt,” says Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist in Connecticut. “Most people that I have come across tell these little white lies because they understand that 100 percent honesty all the time is not beneficial.” A white lie, she explains, spares people from unnecessary hurt.

At the same time, Dr. Julia Breur, a marriage and family therapist in Florida, emphasizes the importance of paying attention to the way we respond to someone. The fact is that not telling the truth can result in something unpleasant on you; it’s not just about the person the white lie is being told to. For example, she says someone who always tells others that “all is good” when it comes to a sick parent in an effort to avoid discussions about how serious their health issue really is, can eventually face stressful experiences. When that parent eventually passes away, the person who always gave an “all is good” response ends up emotionally broken.

Sometimes, telling white lies often depends on the situation, Dr. Breur says. For example, consider a woman who has not seen her mother for several months. The daughter has gained noticeable weight, yet the mother responds by excitedly declaring that she looks great. “I emphasize during psychotherapy sessions with my patients that context helps define meaning,” Dr. Breur says. “So when we look at the context of a mother saying you look great when she clearly sees that her daughter has gained weight, it can be acceptable. It reflects the intention of the white lie which is kindness, protection and unconditional love. Otherwise, white lies — especially when told to avoid personal accountability — can start a cycle of mistrust between people, ultimately compromising integrity,” she adds.

Therefore, it’s important to ask ourselves when it is and isn’t appropriate to deliver the honest truth, and when it’s best to step back and offer a more delicate response. More often than not, it’s about finding a balance between the two.

2 . A few years ago, I walked into Panera and placed my order. As I sat down, I noticed that at the table next to me, there was an older man with a cap eating his soup alone. At the sight of this, a feeling of sadness began to wash over me. Why was he eating alone? Was he lonely? Did he want someone to keep him company?

This wasn’t the first time I’d felt sad when I noticed someone eating alone. I automatically assume they’re lonely and need someone to be there for them. For some reason, eating with other people is the norm. Modern society has evolved to the point where most people eat with others and do almost every activity together. If we need to get lunch before a class, we’d rather ask around to see if someone will come with us. But is it possible we just don’t want to appear lonely?

For me, it’s easy to get pressured to have to be around other people when I see everyone else around me accompanied by a friend almost all the time. So many people are always around someone else, and that may make people think we always need someone with us to feel better about ourselves.

But that’s not true. We can enjoy being alone not everyone needs to be constantly surrounded by friends to be happy. And we shouldn’t be afraid to eat alone if that’s what we want to do. We don’t have to do what everyone else does.

Ultimately, I don’t think I’ll ever not get sad if I see someone eating alone, but I’ll bear in mind that maybe they just want a break from the world, or maybe they prefer it that way. It’s important to realize seeing someone doing something alone doesn’t always mean they’re lonely.

3 . The Power of Peers

Do birds of a feather really flock together? People do tend to choose friends who are similar to them. Many behaviors spread socially. Activities in certain brain areas change when other people are around.     1     You can use the power of social relationships to gain healthier habits — and motivate others to do the same.

    2     Teens are especially responsive to peer influence. At the same time, the reward system in the teen brain becomes extra sensitive. Teens are just learning to explore the social world. Understanding other people’s values and being influenced by them are important parts of socializing.

A research shows that even just having another peer around can change the reward response in the brain and also the risk-taking tendencies of teenagers. Some people seem to be more easily influenced than others and more sensitive to feeling included or excluded by others.     3     But it’s also a time that peer influence can help teens thrive if it gets them more involved with their community or helps them learn behaviors to get along with others.

It’s the quality of friendships — not quantity — that really makes the difference. Friendships you feel you want to let go of may be low quality.     4       High quality friendships provide understanding, support, and recognition of your self-worth. These types of friendships are more steady and satisfying.

Spending time with friends can be especially helpful for people. Noticing that our behavior is influenced by other people, we can be intentional and try to focus on the people who are doing the things we want to get into ourselves.     5    

5 . There’s a long line of research showing that when we make contact with people who’re socially different from us, we tend to feel less prejudice towards them. According to the contact theory, contact seems to work best for reducing prejudice when the contact is generally positive. But what happens when the conditions for interpersonal contact may not be ideal? For example, what if you feel threatened in some way by a group of people you see as “the other”?

Researchers from Ghent University in Belgium analyzed the results of 34 studies surveying nearly 64,000 people from 19 countries to see how intergroup contact affected their viewpoints about “outgroups” under conflict situations. For example, people were asked to report on how they viewed other groups. The researchers also had data from the surveys that measured attitudes towards outgroup members, such as how positive people felt towards them and how much they could trust them.

After analyzing the data, the researchers found strong feelings of threat were associated with more negative views of outgroup members. But having contact with outgroup members still reduced prejudice just as much under those unfavorable conditions. To Jasper Van Assche, the lead author of the paper, this suggests contact theory holds even under conflict situations.

Van Assche says that contact is so powerful probably because just being around people from an outgroup affects how we think and feel about them. As we become accustomed to even the me re presence of people from other groups, that can reduce our anxiety, especially if the encounters are positive—and that can lead to warmer feelings. Also, contact can enhance our knowledge about others’ customs and practices, so that they don’t seem so foreign or “other” to us.

Van Assche hopes his research can lead people to see the benefits of integrating the spaces where they live. This could be done through top-down methods, such as the government requiring school integration, but also from the bottom up. For example, suggests Van Assche, communities could create low-cost, low-key events that bring people together, helping to promote tolerance.

6 . Tips to help you overcome people-pleasing

Considering other people’s feelings and treating them with kindness is something we strive to do.    1    

When this happens, people-pleasing has crossed the line from kind and generous to self-abandonment — not being the authentic self because we’re afraid others will disapprove, criticize, or reject us. Here are tips for you to overcome such behaviors.

Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. It’s not something you do if you have time or if you deserve it. Taking care of your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical needs keeps you healthy. Without it, you’ll get sick, stressed, and irritable. Try putting self-care activities (exercise, socializing, hobbies, etc.) on your calendar to ensure that self-care is a priority.

One big mistake people-pleasers make is acting as if everyone’s opinion matters equally. You don’t differentiate whose opinion matters more. Generally, the closer the relationship, the more you’ll value their opinion and want to please them. Thus, it’s natural to want to do things to make your loved ones happy.     3    

Most people worry that painful conflicts will destroy relationships.     4     But it’s not helpful or possible. When you avoid conflict, you suppress your feelings and needs. And this causes you to disconnect from yourself and from others. But healthy conflict is the one in which both parties can respectfully express themselves.     5     This is quite different from the unhealthy conflicts.

8 . Active Listening: A Key Skill for Effective Communication

Active listening is a communication skill that goes beyond simply hearing words and involves fully taking part and understanding the speaker’s message. Importantly, it is a significant part in effective communication.     1     Here are some strategies to improve your active listening skills.

Give full attention to the speaker. Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation, observing the speaker’s body language, and facial expressions to avoid negative responses. It also requires listening to the speaker with all your senses, including sight, sound and so on.     2     For example, when you are chatting, put away your cellphones or stay away from a funny TV show.

Maintain good eye contact with the conversation partner. When taking part in active listening, making eye contact is especially important.     3     However, if we fix our eyes on your conversation partners all the time, it will make them embarrassed, which will probably end the conversation. To avoid it, follow the 50/70 rule, which means keeping eye contact for 50% to 70% of the time spent listening, holding contact for four to five seconds before looking away.

    4     Active listening involves asking follow-up questions, or summarizing the main points to show that we have paid attention. Additionally, reflecting on their words and offering proper responses can help create a productive dialogue. Responding should be supportive and respectful, allowing for further discussion and deeper understanding.

By actively listening, we can create stronger connections, and promote trust and respect in our relationships. Remember, active listening goes beyond simply hearing.     5    

9 . We often think about relationships on a scale from positive to negative. We are drawn to loving family members, caring classmates and supportive mentors. We do our best to avoid the cruel uncle, the playground bully and the jerk boss.

But the most toxic relationships aren’t the purely negative ones. They’re the ones that are a mix of positive and negative. We often call them frenemies, supposed friends who sometimes help you and sometimes hurt you. But ifs not just friends. It’s the in-laws who volunteer to watch your kids but belittle your parenting. The manager who praises your work but denies you a promotion.

Everyone knows how relationships like that can tie your stomach into a knot. But groundbreaking research led by the psychologists Bert Uchino and Julianne Holt-Lunstad shows that ambivalent (矛盾情绪的) relationships can be damaging to your health — even more than purely negative relationships.

I had assumed that with a neighbor or a colleague, having some positive interactions was better than all negative interactions. But being cheered on by the same person who cuts you down doesn’t reduce the bad feelings; it increases them. And it’s not just in your head: It leaves a trace in your heart and your blood.

Even a single ambivalent interaction can cause harm. In one experiment, people gave impromptu speeches on controversial topics in front of a friend who offered feedback. The researchers had randomly assigned the friend to give ambivalent or negative comments. Receiving mixed feedback caused higher blood pressure than pure criticism. “I would have gone about the topic differently, but you’re doing fine” proved to be more distressing than “I totally disagree with everything you’ve said.”

The evidence that ambivalent relationships can be bad for us is strong, but the reasons can be harder to read — just like the relationships themselves.

The most intuitive reason is that ambivalent relationships are unpredictable. With a clear enemy, you put up a shield when you cross paths. With a frenemy, you never know whether Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde is going to show up. Feeling unsure can disrupt the body’s calming system and activate a fight-or-flight response. It’s unsettling to hope for a hug while also preparing for a likely quarrel.

Another factor is that unpleasant interactions are more painful in an ambivalent relationship. It’s more upsetting to be let down by people you like sometimes than by people you dislike all the time. When someone stabs you in the back, it stings more if he’s been friendly to your face.

10 . As our lives become more closely connected with the digital age, it’s more important than ever to keep the spark of human connections, a key part of which is making small talk.     1     Here’s how to master the art of small talk.

The cornerstone of effective small talk lies in developing genuine interest. Genuine interest is about actively seeking to understand the other person, valuing their perspectives and appreciating the uniqueness they bring to the conversation.     2    

Small talk extends beyond spoken words; it includes the art of observation. As you engage in conversation, pay attention to the speaker’s body language, facial expressions and tone of voice.     3     Being familiar with them not only helps you navigate the conversation with sensitivity but also enables you to establish a deeper connection by respecting the slight differences of the other person’s communication style.

Actually listening and connecting with someone is essential for a conversation. By providing your undivided attention, you convey respect and interest in what the other person has to say.     4     Ask follow-up questions to show that you value their insights. This depth of engagement lays the foundation for a more meaningful connection.

At the heart of successful small talk lies the authenticity (真实性) of your engagement. Authenticity fosters a sense of trust and connection, making the conversation more meaningful and memorable. Avoid the temptation to project an image or use scripted responses.     5     In the world of small talk, authenticity is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections and more fulfilling interactions.