1 . Will your happiness differ if you are doing a kind action without any expectation of rewards or with an expectation of rewards? A study by University of Sussex, headed by Dr. Daniel Campbell­Meikeljohn, tried to answer that question. He and his partners analyzed over 1, 000 brain scans from other studies related to reactions to making a decision based on kindness. They split the studies based on who was making a decision for altruistic (无私的) reasons and who was making a decision due to the expectation of an obvious reward. The results were interesting.

In both instances, the reward center of the brain lit up on the MRI scans (磁共振成像扫描). Yet, for those who made their decision without any rewards, other areas of the brain lit up as well. Specifically, it lit up the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex (前扣带皮层区域), which scientists believe plays a role in emotional regulation. Also, it might aid in maintaining excitement related to an event that creates a positive emotional state.

In one study about the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex, it is believed that this brain region could be related to depression if it isn’t developed properly or is dysfunctional. The fact that this part of the brain lights up during acts of generosity and caring without expectation of rewards shows that the altruistic individuals are getting more sustainable pleasure than those motivated by rewards. It also could aid in explaining how it helps depressive individuals feel happier after doing a kind deed.

We live in a society, and no man is a lonely island. We all need each other. For those who genuinely desire to help others regardless of repayment, maintaining a balance of helping others and yourself is very important. It is healthy and necessary to be kind to yourself, as well as to others.

4 . A therapy (治疗) client and I are working on an eating disorder and find it originated from a relationship break-up or perhaps being bullied in middle school. Such hurtful experiences led to not eating for a couple of weeks. Then comes a high praise from a friend that totally backfires. Maybe it’s an enthusiastic, “Wow, you look great!’’ In a flash, this praise excites an inner and often unconscious thought: “Oh, people care more about me if I lose weight. So many things feel out of control but I can control people’s affection by not eating.”

Often, very well-intentioned individuals offer praise out of a desire to uplift and connect. Such praise is often tied, directly or indirectly, to a person’s relationship with the standards of a specific group or institution. Sadly, such praise can easily reduce an individual’s dignity to their level in line with the group’s expectations rather than supporting their inherent (固有的) dignity and worth. So, what’s a better way?

One answer is to exit the game of “right and wrong” and enter a more life-giving focus on what needs are present. Returning to our example above, when you see that someone has lost weight and you want to give them a praise, just pause and take a deep breath. Simply ask, “How are you doing?” See them and hear them. Appreciate them as a person of limitless value. Know there may be much more to their inner world than meets the eye. Similarly, when you see someone’s success in school, appreciate the hard work they put into it. Ask with gentle curiosity, “How’s it been for you?” Listen with your full attention that in itself can be a rare gift in today’s hustle and bustle world.

By maintaining your concern and listening to the ways they want to be accompanied and supported — even when it might not be your first instinct — you can see them as a whole person, with complex feelings, very human needs, and inherent dignity.

5 . It’s a great feeling when someone gives you a compliment (赞美), isn’t it?    1    When you compliment someone, he/she will become open and begin to talk with you. How do you give an appropriate compliment, though? It’s important to be sincere and specific about your praise.

When someone does an activity or a task particularly well, let him/her know about it by saying “You did a great job!”     2     For example, “That was a great presentation! I particularly liked the funny examples you used.”

    3    You can use “I like” or “I love” to start compliments, especially if someone wears a new coat or has a new haircut. For example, “I love your hair today” or “I like your skirt”.

When you’ve bought something new, it feels great when other people are excited about it. For example, if you take out your new mobile phone and a colleague says, “What a cool phone!”, it makes you feel like you made the right decision to buy it.

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Compliment someone on their personalities and you'll make a new friend. For example, if you like how happy a coworker is, you can tell him/her, “You are always so happy. It makes my day better.”    5     If you like how organized another colleague is, tell him/her, “I really appreciate how organized you are. I would love to be as organized as you.”

6 . Clear and effective communication not only can help you get what you want but also is important to successful relationships with your partner coworkers, bosses, and friends. You take part in some form of communication with others many times a day.     1     To be an effective communicator, you first need to learn which habits to break and which ones to build, so you can be a thoughtful listener and a powerful speaker.

Few people have had any training in listening at all and they don’t know how to communicate with others. If you want to interact effectively with me, you first need to understand me. And you can’t do that with techniques alone.     2     And I don’t feel safe enough to open myself up to you.

    3     The conversation flows naturally out of your character, or the kind of person you truly are. It is obvious in how I actually experience you. If your private performance doesn’t match your public performance, it will be very hard for me to open up to you.     4    

Unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings you won’t know how to advise me.     5     You may say you care about and appreciate me. I really want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can’t trust words.

8 . When I started secondary school, aged 11, I found myself in a class with only two children I’d met before.     1    . In fact, before the end of the day one I knew all 28 of my new classmates by heart. Even in my thirties, when I found myself back in school as a teacher, I could still learn all the students in my classes with relative ease. Here are three quick memory techniques that help me.

    2    . Remembering people starts with listening to what they’re called, and taking a proper look at their face. I make a point of repeating their names in my head, and silently saying something to myself about their appearance.

Spot similarities.     3    . So, who does this person look like? Do they share a name with a celebrity? Is there anything about them that reminds you of places, events, or experiences you’ve already got filed away?

9 . Calling someone your partner sounds wonderful, but it becomes even more enjoyable when that person is also your best friend. Here are five things that happen when your partner is your best friend.

Make each other laugh.     1     Because you understand each other’s sense of humor, you enjoy bringing it out. Laughter lights up the worst of days. Best friends don’t laugh at each other, but they laugh with one another.

Cheer for each other. We all need our own personal cheer leader. Having someone who believes the best in us helps us to know the best in ourselves. Real friends realize our advantages even when we don’t.     2    

Bring out the best in each other. Some people show best parts of themselves while others can bring out the best in you.     3     Something about their presence makes you want to be better people.

    4     We all have parts living inside us somewhere. Many of us hide this part of ourselves. When you bravely reveal these pieces of yourself, you show how much you want to develop a closer friendship. If you find out that your partner accepts your hidden side, you will trust them more. This real friendship draws you closer to one another.

Lend a helping hand. Good friends come together to lend a helping hand. They see the need and help to meet the need.     5     Or occasionally they help you get more fun while you rest.