【推荐2】Did you forget someone's name after you just met? Did you just talk about yourself the first time you met someone new? Ouch! You never have a second chance to make the first impression. So what can you do when the first impression is a negative one?     1       

Apologize immediately. As soon as you realize that you may have offended (冒犯) someone, say something about it. The more time passes, the worse the situation can become.     2     So take control of the situation by making your last impression a positive one.

Avoid over—apologizing. Saying you're sorry is important.     3     Your goal is to admit your mistake responsibly and sensitively. If you repeatedly bring up the past, you're defeating your purpose. It puts the other person in the uncomfortable position of having to continually forgive you.

Make no assumption (假设). It's easy to assume that others think the worst of you, but usually what we imagine is far worse than reality.     4     Say something like, “I'm uncomfortable with how I behaved yesterday because I realized I might have offended you. Did you feel the same way?” The other person may think it was no big deal.

    5     A sincere apology requires three steps. First, don't blame what happened on other people. Second, admit how your actions affected the other person. Third, explain what you will do differently in the future to avoid making the same mistake. Such an apology might sound like, “I want to apologize for what I said yesterday. After speaking with you, I can hear how much my comments offended you. I want you to know that I'll be more sensitive in the future.”

【推荐3】As a young child, I was painfully shy. I’d watch other children play in the park, wishing I could join them, but I was too scared to approach. Eventually, my mother would come to the rescue. She’d ask the other kids if I could play, too. Today, I feel comfortable giving public lectures in large halls and having conversations in small groups, but I still tend to avoid situations in which I’m expected to spend time with a roomful of strangers.

There could be many reasons. For one thing, I might be carrying some childhood fear of rejection. But beyond that possibility, one likely element is that I tend to underestimate how much people like me after I meet them, as most of us do.

A new research paper reports that the common concern that new people may not like us, or that they may not enjoy our company, is largely unfounded.

Erica Boothby of Cornell University and her colleagues conducted a series of studies to find out what our conversation partners really think of us. In doing so, they discovered a new cognitive illusion (认知错觉) they call “the liking gap”: our failure to realize how much strangers appreciate our company after a bit of conversation.

The researchers observed the gap in a variety of situations: strangers getting acquainted in the research laboratory, first-year college students getting to know their dormitory mates over the course of many months, and community members meeting fellow participants in personal development workshops. In each circumstance, people consistently underestimated how much others liked them. For much of the academic year, as dormitory mates got to know each other and even started to develop enduring friendships, the liking gap persisted.

The data also revealed some of the potential reasons for the illusion: we are often more severe with ourselves than with others, and our inner critic prevents us from appreciating how positively other people evaluate us. Not knowing what our conversation partners really think of us, we use our own thoughts as a proxy (代理人). This is a mistake, because our thoughts tend to be more negative than reality.

【推荐1】You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression — this was the theme of this year’s International Public Speaking Competition (IPSC), held in London from May 11 to 12. Thirty-three young speakers aged 16 to 20 from around the world gathered at The English Speaking Union to tell their stories, including Wu Dongxu, 19, a student from China. To him, the event wasn’t just about giving a speech on first impressions. It also made a strong impression on him.

“Rather than a competition, the experience was more like an inspiring research trip to me, a trip that allowed me to see firsthand the differences and similarities between Chinese and foreign cultures,” said Wu.

Apart from the obvious differences in food, transportation and climate, what impressed Wu most was the different styles of Chinese and foreign public speaking.

Although still a teen, Wu is no stranger to the public speaking podium (讲台). He has participated in many speaking competitions since 2017. But on the stage of the IPSC, speakers had no podium to stand behind. They just had to face the audience.

“This was the first time that I gave a speech without a podium, which made me realize how important eye contact and body language are,” said Wu. “It also gave me more freedom to convey more information with my body language instead of just with words.”

Another difference that caught Wu’s attention was the evaluation criteria (评价标准). According to him, in every speaking competition he had participated in in China, things like pronunciation, fluency and quality of language are always important. But to his surprise, in the IPSC accents and grammatical mistakes are not considered in the evaluation process. It is the story itself that matters most.

“Audiences are eager to hear powerful stories, no matter where they are from. That’s because the emotions expressed in them are shared by all human beings although there are the cultural differences.” said Wu. “Diversity, respect, tolerance and understanding — these are what the IPSC really wants to stress and spread.”