1 . Being a people-pleaser(讨好型人格)is second nature to many people. We tend to calm those around us, often regardless of our own needs. Actually, it is unhealthy to do so.     1     Here are some tips one can follow.

Be sure of your own value.

You were created differently from every other human. Overcoming people-pleasing starts with clearly knowing the value of your thoughts and actions, and that your presence matters. By pleasing people at the cost of your own desires, you’re forgetting that you are here for a reason.

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When something goes wrong, it’s quite natural for me to say sorry. It is pretty true of you if you’re a people-pleaser too. However, before words of apology trip from your lips, stop and look at the situation. Apologize sincerely and timely on condition that it’s really your fault. Otherwise just let it go.

Keep saying no.

    3     Indeed, getting over people-pleasing requires people to understand that you can say no and mean it. Saying no may be hard, but the more you say it, the more you understand how important it is to say.

Speak up.

People-pleasers like to agree with the masses. We are quiet, listening, waiting to agree on whatever decision is reached. Many times, I simply stayed quiet and agreed, even when I really didn’t like the plans at all. And bitterness surged when I was asked to deal with what I didn’t want.     4     Even sometimes you have to shout so as to be heard.

Without any doubt, it’s difficult to go against the nature that you tend to please everyone around you.     5     It’s the same with me. The best part is we get the grace of a new day to try all over again.

4 . Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver, I would think about the potential joys of a physically closer network. Wouldn’t it be great to have someone who could join me at a moment’s notice? How good would it be to have more non-scheduled hangs instead of ones that had to be planned weeks in advance?

This doesn’t have to be just a dream. Although technology is making it easier to maintain long-distance connections, nothing can replace seeing friends in person. Researchers have found that happiness spreads “like an emotional contagion (传染)”, especially among those who live close together.

Friends who live in the same city could decide to move within walking distance of one another — the same neighborhood, block, or even apartment building. Doing so would likely involve a lot of effort, but the resulting community could pay emotional dividends for years. Doing so would make it easier to support one another materially and emotionally.

Moving close to your friends requires some masterminding. Cities can make doing so easier by ending single-family zoning codes and encouraging a variety of housing types in neighborhoods. But even without official policies, people can make it work on their own. Sam Unger, 32, a food scientist and a friend of mine, has created a chosen family like this in Montreal, where about 15 of her friends live within walking distance of one another. When someone moves away, they try to transfer (移交) their lease (租约) to other friends. And when pals based elsewhere in the city are looking to move, Unger will try selling them on the positives of her neighborhood and sometimes even look for housing for them. “It’s funny,” she told me. “The other day, I bought a fire extinguisher, and she’s like, ‘Oh, well, I have one. You could just call me if you had a fire, and I’d be right over with it.’”

5 . A therapy (治疗) client and I are working on an eating disorder and find it originated from a relationship break-up or perhaps being bullied in middle school. Such hurtful experiences led to not eating for a couple of weeks. Then comes a high praise from a friend that totally backfires. Maybe it’s an enthusiastic, “Wow, you look great!’’ In a flash, this praise excites an inner and often unconscious thought: “Oh, people care more about me if I lose weight. So many things feel out of control but I can control people’s affection by not eating.”

Often, very well-intentioned individuals offer praise out of a desire to uplift and connect. Such praise is often tied, directly or indirectly, to a person’s relationship with the standards of a specific group or institution. Sadly, such praise can easily reduce an individual’s dignity to their level in line with the group’s expectations rather than supporting their inherent (固有的) dignity and worth. So, what’s a better way?

One answer is to exit the game of “right and wrong” and enter a more life-giving focus on what needs are present. Returning to our example above, when you see that someone has lost weight and you want to give them a praise, just pause and take a deep breath. Simply ask, “How are you doing?” See them and hear them. Appreciate them as a person of limitless value. Know there may be much more to their inner world than meets the eye. Similarly, when you see someone’s success in school, appreciate the hard work they put into it. Ask with gentle curiosity, “How’s it been for you?” Listen with your full attention that in itself can be a rare gift in today’s hustle and bustle world.

By maintaining your concern and listening to the ways they want to be accompanied and supported — even when it might not be your first instinct — you can see them as a whole person, with complex feelings, very human needs, and inherent dignity.

6 . It’s a great feeling when someone gives you a compliment (赞美), isn’t it?    1    When you compliment someone, he/she will become open and begin to talk with you. How do you give an appropriate compliment, though? It’s important to be sincere and specific about your praise.

When someone does an activity or a task particularly well, let him/her know about it by saying “You did a great job!”     2     For example, “That was a great presentation! I particularly liked the funny examples you used.”

    3    You can use “I like” or “I love” to start compliments, especially if someone wears a new coat or has a new haircut. For example, “I love your hair today” or “I like your skirt”.

When you’ve bought something new, it feels great when other people are excited about it. For example, if you take out your new mobile phone and a colleague says, “What a cool phone!”, it makes you feel like you made the right decision to buy it.

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Compliment someone on their personalities and you'll make a new friend. For example, if you like how happy a coworker is, you can tell him/her, “You are always so happy. It makes my day better.”    5     If you like how organized another colleague is, tell him/her, “I really appreciate how organized you are. I would love to be as organized as you.”

7 . When I started secondary school, aged 11, I found myself in a class with only two children I’d met before.     1    . In fact, before the end of the day one I knew all 28 of my new classmates by heart. Even in my thirties, when I found myself back in school as a teacher, I could still learn all the students in my classes with relative ease. Here are three quick memory techniques that help me.

    2    . Remembering people starts with listening to what they’re called, and taking a proper look at their face. I make a point of repeating their names in my head, and silently saying something to myself about their appearance.

Spot similarities.     3    . So, who does this person look like? Do they share a name with a celebrity? Is there anything about them that reminds you of places, events, or experiences you’ve already got filed away?

8 . Calling someone your partner sounds wonderful, but it becomes even more enjoyable when that person is also your best friend. Here are five things that happen when your partner is your best friend.

Make each other laugh.     1     Because you understand each other’s sense of humor, you enjoy bringing it out. Laughter lights up the worst of days. Best friends don’t laugh at each other, but they laugh with one another.

Cheer for each other. We all need our own personal cheer leader. Having someone who believes the best in us helps us to know the best in ourselves. Real friends realize our advantages even when we don’t.     2    

Bring out the best in each other. Some people show best parts of themselves while others can bring out the best in you.     3     Something about their presence makes you want to be better people.

    4     We all have parts living inside us somewhere. Many of us hide this part of ourselves. When you bravely reveal these pieces of yourself, you show how much you want to develop a closer friendship. If you find out that your partner accepts your hidden side, you will trust them more. This real friendship draws you closer to one another.

Lend a helping hand. Good friends come together to lend a helping hand. They see the need and help to meet the need.     5     Or occasionally they help you get more fun while you rest.