2 . Initial conversations can have a huge impact on how relationships develop over time. People are often stuck in the impressions they think they might have made the minute they finish speaking with someone for the first time: “Did they like me or were they just being polite?” “Were they deep in thought or deeply bored?”

To find out whether these worries are necessary, we have conducted nearly 10 years of research. In our studies, participants in the UK talked with someone they had never met before. Afterward, they were asked how much they liked their conversation partner and how much they believed that their conversation partner liked them. This allowed us to compare how much people believed they were liked to how much they were actually liked.

Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negative feelings about the impression they made. That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — a false belief we call the “liking gap”.

This bias (偏见) may seem like something that would occur only in initial interactions, but its effects extend far beyond a first impression. Surprisingly, the liking gap can constantly affect a variety of relationships, including interactions with coworkers, long after the initial conversations have taken place. Having a larger liking gap is associated with being less willing to ask workmates for help, less willing to provide workmates with open and honest feedback, and less willing to work on another project together.

There are numerous strategies to minimize your biased feelings. One place to start is shifting your focus of attention. Try to direct your attention to your conversation partner, be genuinely curious about them, ask them more questions, and really listen to their answers. The more you’re zeroed in on the other person, and the less you’re focused on yourself, the better your conversation will be and the less your mind will turn to all the things you think you didn’t do well.

3 . How to Deal with a Colleague who Keeps Challenging Your Views

It can be difficult to develop an environment of teamwork when you continually run up against a colleague who challenges your views.     1    . This will ensure you respect one another, even when you disagree.

If a co-worker habitually challenges your ideas in a group discussion in a confrontational manner, don’t engage him or get into an argument. Pause for a moment, look the colleague in the eye.     2    . This will force the co-worker to either repeat his comment in front of everyone with the same level of confrontation, or soften his approach.

There’s a time and place for everything, including professional disagreements. If a colleague interrupts you or talks over you in an effort to contradict your point or insert (插入) his own opinion, gently remind him that you still have the floor. If the colleague is challenging something you say before you have a chance to address the point, note that as well.

    4    . Constructive debate and brainstorming can strengthen the overall performance of the entire team. Speak to your colleague at a time when you are emotionally stable. For example, you might say, “Can we agree to a respectful and civil way to discuss matters when it’s clear there’s no one ‘right’ answer?”

If a particular colleague has a long history of disagreeing with you, you might be able to anticipate his arguments or objections. Prepare rebuttals to address anything your colleague might throw at you.     5    . It also strengthens your points without being confrontational, and allows you to give him credit for his constructive comments when necessary.

5 . “I’m sorry” are two very important words that play a big part in daily life. You might apologize while squeezing through a crowd or using the last of the printer paper at work. It’s easy to say “I’m sorry”, but true apologies are a different story.    1     Or you may wonder how to properly demand an apology if the other person is at fault? With the following tips, you’ll find these are not hard.

Apologize sincerely. A genuine apology can help repair your relationship, and even your reputation—you’re showing that you can be trusted to do what’s right. But your relationship will remain tense if your apology seems casual.    2    

Apply specific principles. A meaningful apology comes down to the three R’s- regret, responsibility and remedy (补救办法). Firstly, communicate your regret. Show the other person you have recognized your error and can relate to his/her pain. Then take complete responsibility.    3     Lastly, show that you’re working to improve the situation. Offer to make up for the harm you caused or promise you wouldn’t repeat it again.

    4    If you’re the offended (冒犯) party, describe what’s changed in the relationship and your true feeling. For example, you could say, “Although there’s a disagreement between you and me, I want us to be friends again. But I’ve been hurt, and I’d like an apology. I need you to acknowledge what you’ve done.”

Don’t expect immediate forgiveness. Most people hope for immediate forgiveness while apologizing, but that may mean you don’t respect the others’ emotions and all you care about is yourself.    5    After all, they were hurt and it would take them a while to recover.

6 . The most popular course at Yale is Psych 157: Psychology and the Good Life, covering the science of happiness and how to apply it. Since its launch in 2018 by Professor Laurie Santos, the course has been taken by a quarter of Yale students and more than 200,000 others in its online version.     1    

When chasing happiness, many of us are trying to be a little gentler with ourselves and assigning a priority to self-care. That’s a sensible strategy, Santos agrees. The trouble is how people understand self-care. We assume that self-care looks like a nice bubble bath - or even selfish pursuits.     2     We actually get more out of being more open, more social and more other-oriented (以他人为中心的) than spending money on ourselves.

Santos isn’t the only scientist insisting that you focus more on kindness to others than kindness to yourself. Research out of Oxford University confirms that even tiny acts of kindness can have significant effects on our happiness.     3     They boost mental well-being in the wider community. If you want to stay happy, focus less on self-indulgence (自我放纵) and more on kindness.

    4     Everyone has made a silly decision or two. I myself have lived and learned from more than a few. It’s not the mistakes that matter. It’s how we deal with them. What we can do is to learn from the poor choices, terrible ideas and bad decisions of the past and not repeat them. We can also learn from the mistakes of others and avoid them.     5     And we can make all the bumps and bruises (磕磕碰碰) count for something.

8 . Kindness May Keep You Healthy

If you are driving in the United States, you may see a common bumper (汽车保险杠) sticker on passing vehicles that reads:     1     The saying is meant to urge people to behave in a gentle, caring, and helpful way towards others without thinking or planning ahead.

    2     In one experiment, Brian are, an anthropologist (人类学家) at Duke University, asked a group of people to perform three acts of generosity for other individuals each week. These acts could be small, like opening a door for someone. The people who were caring, gentle and friendly towards others reported experiencing contentment, satisfaction and happiness.

However, being kind is not just emotionally beneficial. Lyubomirsky studied a group of people with the disease Multiple Sclerosis (多发性硬化).     3     Her research also pointed out that people showing kindness to others had less inflammation (炎症) in their bodies. And in other studies, Lyubomirsky said more anti-viral genes were found in people who extended a helping hand to other people

    4     In one study, researchers gave people a list of values — such as kindness, creativity, ambition, tradition, security, seeking social justice, and seeking power. When asked to pick the most important, kindness won.

“The basic reason why people are kind,” Oliver Curry, explained, the research director at Kind-lab that is a non-profit organization, “is that we are social animals. Kindness is as much a part of us as our anger, grief or desire.”    5