2 . How many times have you found yourself in conversations with friends, family members or loved ones and discovered that you had completely tuned out to what they were saying? How much of our attention are we truly giving to the people who are supposed to be important to us?

According to research cited by Wright State University, while most people believe they are good listeners who don’t need to improve their listening skills, the average person only listens at about 25 percent efficiency.

So why aren’t we better listeners? As a society, we may be growing more narcissistic (自我陶醉的). A 2007 study found a rise in self-centeredness and narcissism among college students. If we, as a culture, are becoming more self-centered, how can we, as individuals, work to become more caring and compassionate communicators?

We can begin by changing our attitudes toward conversations. As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand but to reply.” A dialogue is an opportunity to learn, to see things from a new perspective, to open your eyes to new information and possibilities. Yet, too often we engage in conversation as if it’s a debate. We speak to hear our own voices — our own pre-existing opinions. In doing so, we tend to space out when spoken to. We wait, perhaps even patiently or politely, for the other person to finish, so we can say something we feel is of value.

Playwright Wilson Mizner said, “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.” Listening doesn’t just expand our knowledge on an intellectual level; it enables us to have a more personal, in-depth understanding of our closest friends. Relationships are truly enriched by an equal back-and-forth exchange in communication. When these dynamics become more one-sided, we tend to lose interest and create distance in our friendships, with less trust established, less honesty exchanged.

Thankfully, we can all improve our listening skills. Maybe we aren’t as good a listener as we believe. Do we tend to focus too much on ourselves — both in positive and negative ways? Do we get distracted by an inner coach, rather than living in the moment and really engaging in what’s being said? As we learn to quiet that inner voice in our minds, we can start to open ourselves up to others, becoming better listeners, thinkers, lovers and friends.

3 . Feeling like what you do is worthwhile is arguably a significant key to a happy life. But what this means is different for each person. These strategies can help you find your purpose so you can begin living a more meaningful life.

Donate time, money, or talent

    1    . Altruistic (利他) behaviors include volunteering for a nonprofit organization, donating money to causes you care about, or simply helping out the people around you on a day-to-day basis.

Listen to feedback (反馈)

It can be hard to recognize the things you feel passionate about sometimes. After all, the things you love to do may have become so ingrained (固化) in your life that you don’t realize how important they are.     2    . This is a good chance of displaying your passion and purpose.

Start conversations with new people

It’s easy to surf social media while you’re alone on the subway. Resist that urge.     3    . Ask them if they are working on any projects or what they like to do for fun. Talk to them about organizations with which they are involved. You might discover new activities to explore. And those activities might be key to helping you find your purpose.

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Are you regularly sharing articles about climate change? Are there pictures of you engaging in a particular activity over and over, such as gardening or performing? Consider the conversations you enjoy holding with people the most when you’re meeting face to face. Do you like talking about history? Or do you prefer sharing the latest money-saving tips you discovered?     5    .

4 . Many people changed residences and are eager to get familiar with their new neighbors. Here’s a quick refresher on making the most of neighborhood relationships.

Begin at the beginning. Building good neighborly relationships starts when you or someone else moves into the area. If a new neighbor moves in, be proactive (主动的) and welcome them to the neighborhood.     1    . Consider taking a plate of cookies or a small housewarming gift. Share your contact information and offer to answer any questions they may have about the community, including your favorite restaurants or the best local service providers.

    2    . Don’t create things that are unpleasant to look at or allow your property’s condition to affect the value of neighboring homes adversely (不利地). Being kind to those around you includes keeping your yard tidy, removing snow from your sidewalks, and collecting trash and recycling bins after the truck has passed.

Be inclusive. If you are hosting a large party, consider extending invitations to your neighbors. During the holiday season, remember the people next door with a card, a homemade goodie, or an offer of assistance. Give without expectations.     3    .

Allow people to be human.     4    , and it’s impossible to know what others are going through. Don’t be too quick to assume a sligh (轻蔑) is personal or intended.

Accept it. If you have tried your best to resolve a conflict without success, let it go. Sadly, some people won’t like you whatever you do. And you aren’t going to enjoy some people.     5    . Be pleasant anyway, and be thankful that you get to live your life and they get to live theirs.

7 . Picking up after your dog is interesting, but it must be done. Most dog owners understand the importance of picking up their dogs’ waste, so it can be especially frustrating to see dog owners that obviously refuse to perform this duty.     1    , but by asking them the right way, informing them of the risks and consequences of not picking up after their dogs, and providing them with the right collection tools, you may be able to get them to change their ways.

Ask them directly. Talking to another dog owner about picking up their dogs’ waste can be uncomfortable. However, asking the owner directly to pick up after their dog will often work to fix the problem.     2    . Maybe they think no one notices or that their actions don’t directly affect those around them. Asking the person directly lets them know you, and others, have noticed their actions and are being affected negatively by them.

Use a friendly tone. Although you are probably fed up and mad at a dog owner that isn’t cleaning up after their dog, approach them in a friendly manner. Yelling at them may make them defensive and angry.     3    .

Give them a reason. It’s possible this person doesn’t realize how their neglect in picking up after their dog is negatively affecting those around them.     4    , give them a reason why you want them to do so.

    5    . When facing someone on this issue, don’t exaggerate (夸大) the truth or make up reasons they should comply with your request. Be honest with them about why you want them to pick up after their dog and what could happen if they don’t.

8 . Initial conversations can have a huge impact on how relationships develop over time. People are often stuck in the impressions they think they might have made the minute they finish speaking with someone for the first time: “Did they like me or were they just being polite?” “Were they deep in thought or deeply bored?”

To find out whether these worries are necessary, we have conducted nearly 10 years of research. In our studies, participants in the UK talked with someone they had never met before. Afterward, they were asked how much they liked their conversation partner and how much they believed that their conversation partner liked them. This allowed us to compare how much people believed they were liked to how much they were actually liked.

Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negative feelings about the impression they made. That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — a false belief we call the “liking gap”.

This bias (偏见) may seem like something that would occur only in initial interactions, but its effects extend far beyond a first impression. Surprisingly, the liking gap can constantly affect a variety of relationships, including interactions with coworkers, long after the initial conversations have taken place. Having a larger liking gap is associated with being less willing to ask workmates for help, less willing to provide workmates with open and honest feedback, and less willing to work on another project together.

There are numerous strategies to minimize your biased feelings. One place to start is shifting your focus of attention. Try to direct your attention to your conversation partner, be genuinely curious about them, ask them more questions, and really listen to their answers. The more you’re zeroed in on the other person, and the less you’re focused on yourself, the better your conversation will be and the less your mind will turn to all the things you think you didn’t do well.

9 . Your manager stops you and says she needs to have a word about your performance in the recent project. She begins by praising you for the good work you’ve done on the project, and you wonder if this is the praise that starts off the typical “feedback sandwich”.     1     Say something nice, say what you really want to say, say something nice again.

However, when feedback becomes such a routine, employees can start to perceive positive feedback as simply a form of sugarcoating the negatives, thus decreasing its value. Instead, positive feedback should not simply be seen as something to cushion the negative.     2     Below are three tips to help you make positive feedback count.

    3     When positive and negative feedback always appear to go hand in hand, the positives can become devalued and ignored. Ensure there are times when positive feedback is given for its own sake and resist the temptation to offer constructive criticism.

Cultivate a “growth mindset”. Many of us tend to focus our praise on the end result and seeming inborn talents. For example,     4     However, research suggests that by focusing on the process of box things are done, we can encourage the development of new skills and the continued enhancement of talents.

Create a culture of offering positive feedback. Make giving positive feedback part of your team culture. Don’t just wait for special moments to give feedback. Offer informal positive feedback when making small talk.     5     Encourage peer feedback among team members and colleagues and actively ask them for positive comments on each other’s performances on tasks.