1 . If you identify as a people-pleaser, you might feel like it’s impossible to change. Well-meaning friends can try to encourage you to just be yourself, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t shake that urge to keep everyone happy.     1    

    2     To be able to tell the difference, you should look at the amount of tension you feel. For example, when you see a friend finish his water and you refill his cup, that can come out of normal sensitivity to other people’s needs if you feel relaxed when you do it. But if you notice a sense of pressure, like something bad will happen if you don’t refill their drink, then you’re operating from anxiety and fear.

Lots of times, people who try to please other people are extremely quick to react in social settings. They know what to say right away and they move into care taking immediately.     4     One subtle but powerful technique to change your habit is to deliberately delay your reactions, connect with yourself and then try to have the interaction out of an authentic part of yourself.

As you slowly start to become aware of your needs and even state them out loud, it can bring in some essential changes in your relationships. You might realize that as you mature, some friendships are not as rewarding or even as equal as you would like them to be.     5     If you have an emotionally immature friend, it’s up to you to decide if you want to leave the friendship or use that relationship as an opportunity for mutual growth, if the other person also seems interested in changing.

3 . PEER PRESSURE

Have you ever been forced to do anything? Have you ever felt that you are in a tight corner because of someone’s comment?     1     Peer pressure is the influence a social group has on him or her.

    2     We all want to be part of a group and feel like we belong to our community. Peer pressure can happen when we are influenced to do something that we would not usually do because we want to be accepted by our peers. Children and young adults feel social pressure to be in line with the peer group.

Peer pressure can influence how people dress, how they talk, what music they listen to, what attitudes they adopt and how they behave. Teenagers want to be liked, to fit in and to be accepted.     3     People who are low in confidence and unsure of themselves may be more likely to seek their peers’ approval by going along with risky suggestions or choosing the “wrong” path.

Students can do a lot to avoid peer pressure. The most important thing is to build up self-confidence, so that it is easier to say “no” to the peer group.     4     It’s a good idea for teens to surround themselves with positive role models—people who don’t make fun of them, but accept them and are confident themselves. It’s also important for young people to think about the consequences of their actions.     5     If they stop and think about the consequences, they might make a different decision.

6 . “Individuals of all ages who have empathy (共情) understand that sometimes telling little white lies can protect other people from getting hurt,” says Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist in Connecticut. “Most people that I have come across tell these little white lies because they understand that 100 percent honesty all the time is not beneficial.” A white lie, she explains, spares people from unnecessary hurt.

At the same time, Dr. Julia Breur, a marriage and family therapist in Florida, emphasizes the importance of paying attention to the way we respond to someone. The fact is that not telling the truth can result in something unpleasant on you; it’s not just about the person the white lie is being told to. For example, she says someone who always tells others that “all is good” when it comes to a sick parent in an effort to avoid discussions about how serious their health issue really is, can eventually face stressful experiences. When that parent eventually passes away, the person who always gave an “all is good” response ends up emotionally broken.

Sometimes, telling white lies often depends on the situation, Dr. Breur says. For example, consider a woman who has not seen her mother for several months. The daughter has gained noticeable weight, yet the mother responds by excitedly declaring that she looks great. “I emphasize during psychotherapy sessions with my patients that context helps define meaning,” Dr. Breur says. “So when we look at the context of a mother saying you look great when she clearly sees that her daughter has gained weight, it can be acceptable. It reflects the intention of the white lie which is kindness, protection and unconditional love. Otherwise, white lies — especially when told to avoid personal accountability — can start a cycle of mistrust between people, ultimately compromising integrity,” she adds.

Therefore, it’s important to ask ourselves when it is and isn’t appropriate to deliver the honest truth, and when it’s best to step back and offer a more delicate response. More often than not, it’s about finding a balance between the two.

7 . A few years ago, I walked into Panera and placed my order. As I sat down, I noticed that at the table next to me, there was an older man with a cap eating his soup alone. At the sight of this, a feeling of sadness began to wash over me. Why was he eating alone? Was he lonely? Did he want someone to keep him company?

This wasn’t the first time I’d felt sad when I noticed someone eating alone. I automatically assume they’re lonely and need someone to be there for them. For some reason, eating with other people is the norm. Modern society has evolved to the point where most people eat with others and do almost every activity together. If we need to get lunch before a class, we’d rather ask around to see if someone will come with us. But is it possible we just don’t want to appear lonely?

For me, it’s easy to get pressured to have to be around other people when I see everyone else around me accompanied by a friend almost all the time. So many people are always around someone else, and that may make people think we always need someone with us to feel better about ourselves.

But that’s not true. We can enjoy being alone not everyone needs to be constantly surrounded by friends to be happy. And we shouldn’t be afraid to eat alone if that’s what we want to do. We don’t have to do what everyone else does.

Ultimately, I don’t think I’ll ever not get sad if I see someone eating alone, but I’ll bear in mind that maybe they just want a break from the world, or maybe they prefer it that way. It’s important to realize seeing someone doing something alone doesn’t always mean they’re lonely.

8 . The Power of Peers

Do birds of a feather really flock together? People do tend to choose friends who are similar to them. Many behaviors spread socially. Activities in certain brain areas change when other people are around.     1     You can use the power of social relationships to gain healthier habits — and motivate others to do the same.

    2     Teens are especially responsive to peer influence. At the same time, the reward system in the teen brain becomes extra sensitive. Teens are just learning to explore the social world. Understanding other people’s values and being influenced by them are important parts of socializing.

A research shows that even just having another peer around can change the reward response in the brain and also the risk-taking tendencies of teenagers. Some people seem to be more easily influenced than others and more sensitive to feeling included or excluded by others.     3     But it’s also a time that peer influence can help teens thrive if it gets them more involved with their community or helps them learn behaviors to get along with others.

It’s the quality of friendships — not quantity — that really makes the difference. Friendships you feel you want to let go of may be low quality.     4       High quality friendships provide understanding, support, and recognition of your self-worth. These types of friendships are more steady and satisfying.

Spending time with friends can be especially helpful for people. Noticing that our behavior is influenced by other people, we can be intentional and try to focus on the people who are doing the things we want to get into ourselves.     5    

10 . There’s a long line of research showing that when we make contact with people who’re socially different from us, we tend to feel less prejudice towards them. According to the contact theory, contact seems to work best for reducing prejudice when the contact is generally positive. But what happens when the conditions for interpersonal contact may not be ideal? For example, what if you feel threatened in some way by a group of people you see as “the other”?

Researchers from Ghent University in Belgium analyzed the results of 34 studies surveying nearly 64,000 people from 19 countries to see how intergroup contact affected their viewpoints about “outgroups” under conflict situations. For example, people were asked to report on how they viewed other groups. The researchers also had data from the surveys that measured attitudes towards outgroup members, such as how positive people felt towards them and how much they could trust them.

After analyzing the data, the researchers found strong feelings of threat were associated with more negative views of outgroup members. But having contact with outgroup members still reduced prejudice just as much under those unfavorable conditions. To Jasper Van Assche, the lead author of the paper, this suggests contact theory holds even under conflict situations.

Van Assche says that contact is so powerful probably because just being around people from an outgroup affects how we think and feel about them. As we become accustomed to even the me re presence of people from other groups, that can reduce our anxiety, especially if the encounters are positive—and that can lead to warmer feelings. Also, contact can enhance our knowledge about others’ customs and practices, so that they don’t seem so foreign or “other” to us.

Van Assche hopes his research can lead people to see the benefits of integrating the spaces where they live. This could be done through top-down methods, such as the government requiring school integration, but also from the bottom up. For example, suggests Van Assche, communities could create low-cost, low-key events that bring people together, helping to promote tolerance.