1 . Behavioral scientists have found that good listening is one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships.     1     At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest in another person and making him/her feel understood.    2     But some recurring (重复出现) features include attentiveness, conveying understanding, and showing a positive intention towards the speaker.

In addition to actively attending to a speaker’s words, good listeners also use questions and body language that indicate their understanding and their desire to understand. This might feel awkward at first, and what’s most effective might depend on your relationship with the speaker.    3     Another great way to show your understanding is by summarizing what you just heard and asking if you have missed anything. Summaries like this show the speaker that you’re truly trying to understand him/her rather than just waiting for your turn to talk. But while a good conversation requires back and forth, planning out your response while the speaker is talking is a common way to miss what’s being said.    4     This might feel embarrassing, but asking for clarification actually shows that you’re committed to understanding.

    5     It’s okay to ask for a moment to formulate your response and taking a beat to think can help speakers reflect on their speech as well.

These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference. And when people feel heard, they report more satisfaction, trust, and connection in their relationships.

2 . Most people can think of a time when they were in a bad mood after a long day at work and a shop assistant gave them a warm smile. Or maybe they overheard their bus-mate speaking German and ended up filling the morning commute（通勤）with a stimulating conversation about an upcoming trip.

Nicholas Epley, a psychologist at the University of Chicago conducted a study. Participants speaking to strangers on public transportation during their morning commutes reported having a more enjoyable commute.

Epley shared why speaking to strangers may have such a mood boosting impact. Loneliness, Epley explained, is one of the most dangerous social stressors and is even more physically harmful than obesity（肥胖）. “It’s larger than air pollution, which we spend an awful lot of time worrying about.” Making connections with those around us can reduce loneliness and its harmful impacts.

Despite all the benefits of conversing with strangers, there are some factors that hold people back from new social connections.

Psychologist Gillian Sandstrom thinks that people don’t talk with strangers, simply because most people don’t have the skills or confidence to do so. To address this, she ran London-based events to help people gain confidence in initiating conversations with strangers. Sandstrom said, “By the end, those participants don’t want to stop talking.”

Sandstrom wanted to take this success a step further and she started hosting events where people were forced to talk with strangers. For example, using the app GooseChase, Sandstrom made a campaign that required participants to talk to people with a variety of characteristics. This event was also successful with four fifths of participants sharing that they learned something new, and nearly half hoping to keep in touch with a new-found friend.

People spend so much of our day around strangers, such as in line at the store, on public transportation, and in the office. Why not take advantage of being around people you don’t know? Flash a smile or start up a conversation, and you will make two people’s day nicer.

4 . How many times have you found yourself in conversations with friends, family members or loved ones and discovered that you had completely tuned out to what they were saying? How much of our attention are we truly giving to the people who are supposed to be important to us?

According to research cited by Wright State University, while most people believe they are good listeners who don’t need to improve their listening skills, the average person only listens at about 25 percent efficiency.

So why aren’t we better listeners? As a society, we may be growing more narcissistic (自我陶醉的). A 2007 study found a rise in self-centeredness and narcissism among college students. If we, as a culture, are becoming more self-centered, how can we, as individuals, work to become more caring and compassionate communicators?

We can begin by changing our attitudes toward conversations. As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand but to reply.” A dialogue is an opportunity to learn, to see things from a new perspective, to open your eyes to new information and possibilities. Yet, too often we engage in conversation as if it’s a debate. We speak to hear our own voices — our own pre-existing opinions. In doing so, we tend to space out when spoken to. We wait, perhaps even patiently or politely, for the other person to finish, so we can say something we feel is of value.

Playwright Wilson Mizner said, “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.” Listening doesn’t just expand our knowledge on an intellectual level; it enables us to have a more personal, in-depth understanding of our closest friends. Relationships are truly enriched by an equal back-and-forth exchange in communication. When these dynamics become more one-sided, we tend to lose interest and create distance in our friendships, with less trust established, less honesty exchanged.

Thankfully, we can all improve our listening skills. Maybe we aren’t as good a listener as we believe. Do we tend to focus too much on ourselves — both in positive and negative ways? Do we get distracted by an inner coach, rather than living in the moment and really engaging in what’s being said? As we learn to quiet that inner voice in our minds, we can start to open ourselves up to others, becoming better listeners, thinkers, lovers and friends.

5 . There’s no doubt that loneliness hurts. Functional MRIs show that the area of the brain triggered by social rejection is the same area that’s triggered by physical pain. To understand why loneliness hurts, let’s take a closer look at friendship through the eyes of two heavyweight philosophers.

In one corner we have Aristotle, who wrote that without friends, there’s no reason to live. The Greek great believed that friendships are based on the virtues of the friend.     1     But the problem with Aristotle’s theory is that if you lose some virtues, you should also expect to lose some friends. And that’s not how friendships work — at least not the good ones.     2    

So as a sharp counterpunch to Aristotle, let’s turn to the renowned Enlightenment philosopher Immanuel Kant, who said that all people have value regardless of their virtues. Since we view our true friends with this kind of unconditional love and respect, we can assume they view us the same way.     3     Being away from our friends takes away these life-affirming interactions. Worse, having no friends means our value, or dignity, isn’t being appreciated.

    4     This may seem obvious, but there’s a catch. Your connection has to be oriented (以……为方向) toward the other person — not in what they can do for you and your loneliness. So say hi to a neighbor, hold the door for someone, or volunteer at the soup kitchen.     5     However, they’ll help you feel more connected to the world. And the more of these small steps you take toward connection, the farther away from loneliness you’ll get.

6 . Feeling like what you do is worthwhile is arguably a significant key to a happy life. But what this means is different for each person. These strategies can help you find your purpose so you can begin living a more meaningful life.

Donate time, money, or talent

    1    . Altruistic (利他) behaviors include volunteering for a nonprofit organization, donating money to causes you care about, or simply helping out the people around you on a day-to-day basis.

Listen to feedback (反馈)

It can be hard to recognize the things you feel passionate about sometimes. After all, the things you love to do may have become so ingrained (固化) in your life that you don’t realize how important they are.     2    . This is a good chance of displaying your passion and purpose.

Start conversations with new people

It’s easy to surf social media while you’re alone on the subway. Resist that urge.     3    . Ask them if they are working on any projects or what they like to do for fun. Talk to them about organizations with which they are involved. You might discover new activities to explore. And those activities might be key to helping you find your purpose.

    4    

Are you regularly sharing articles about climate change? Are there pictures of you engaging in a particular activity over and over, such as gardening or performing? Consider the conversations you enjoy holding with people the most when you’re meeting face to face. Do you like talking about history? Or do you prefer sharing the latest money-saving tips you discovered?     5    .

7 . Initial conversations can have a huge impact on how relationships develop over time. People are often stuck in the impressions they think they might have made the minute they finish speaking with someone for the first time: “Did they like me or were they just being polite?” “Were they deep in thought or deeply bored?”

To find out whether these worries are necessary, we have conducted nearly 10 years of research. In our studies, participants in the UK talked with someone they had never met before. Afterward, they were asked how much they liked their conversation partner and how much they believed that their conversation partner liked them. This allowed us to compare how much people believed they were liked to how much they were actually liked.

Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negative feelings about the impression they made. That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — a false belief we call the “liking gap”.

This bias (偏见) may seem like something that would occur only in initial interactions, but its effects extend far beyond a first impression. Surprisingly, the liking gap can constantly affect a variety of relationships, including interactions with coworkers, long after the initial conversations have taken place. Having a larger liking gap is associated with being less willing to ask workmates for help, less willing to provide workmates with open and honest feedback, and less willing to work on another project together.

There are numerous strategies to minimize your biased feelings. One place to start is shifting your focus of attention. Try to direct your attention to your conversation partner, be genuinely curious about them, ask them more questions, and really listen to their answers. The more you’re zeroed in on the other person, and the less you’re focused on yourself, the better your conversation will be and the less your mind will turn to all the things you think you didn’t do well.

10 . Many people changed residences and are eager to get familiar with their new neighbors. Here’s a quick refresher on making the most of neighborhood relationships.

Begin at the beginning. Building good neighborly relationships starts when you or someone else moves into the area. If a new neighbor moves in, be proactive (主动的) and welcome them to the neighborhood.     1    . Consider taking a plate of cookies or a small housewarming gift. Share your contact information and offer to answer any questions they may have about the community, including your favorite restaurants or the best local service providers.

    2    . Don’t create things that are unpleasant to look at or allow your property’s condition to affect the value of neighboring homes adversely (不利地). Being kind to those around you includes keeping your yard tidy, removing snow from your sidewalks, and collecting trash and recycling bins after the truck has passed.

Be inclusive. If you are hosting a large party, consider extending invitations to your neighbors. During the holiday season, remember the people next door with a card, a homemade goodie, or an offer of assistance. Give without expectations.     3    .

Allow people to be human.     4    , and it’s impossible to know what others are going through. Don’t be too quick to assume a sligh (轻蔑) is personal or intended.

Accept it. If you have tried your best to resolve a conflict without success, let it go. Sadly, some people won’t like you whatever you do. And you aren’t going to enjoy some people.     5    . Be pleasant anyway, and be thankful that you get to live your life and they get to live theirs.