2 . Initial conversations can have a huge impact on how relationships develop over time. People are often stuck in the impressions they think they might have made the minute they finish speaking with someone for the first time: “Did they like me or were they just being polite?” “Were they deep in thought or deeply bored?”

To find out whether these worries are necessary, we have conducted nearly 10 years of research. In our studies, participants in the UK talked with someone they had never met before. Afterward, they were asked how much they liked their conversation partner and how much they believed that their conversation partner liked them. This allowed us to compare how much people believed they were liked to how much they were actually liked.

Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negative feelings about the impression they made. That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — a false belief we call the “liking gap”.

This bias (偏见) may seem like something that would occur only in initial interactions, but its effects extend far beyond a first impression. Surprisingly, the liking gap can constantly affect a variety of relationships, including interactions with coworkers, long after the initial conversations have taken place. Having a larger liking gap is associated with being less willing to ask workmates for help, less willing to provide workmates with open and honest feedback, and less willing to work on another project together.

There are numerous strategies to minimize your biased feelings. One place to start is shifting your focus of attention. Try to direct your attention to your conversation partner, be genuinely curious about them, ask them more questions, and really listen to their answers. The more you’re zeroed in on the other person, and the less you’re focused on yourself, the better your conversation will be and the less your mind will turn to all the things you think you didn’t do well.

3 . Bad judgments are meant to feed our own personal ego (自我意识) and put others down, which is not the healthiest thing to do. Here are five reasons why you should stop it now.

You start finding faults in everyone. Judging quickly moves on to more private areas of your life.     1     You fail to appreciate them and start getting dissatisfied with them. You become critical of even those who matter to you.

Judging becomes a habit. If you judge people, sooner or later, it becomes a habit, and you start judging everyone around you for the tiniest of things.     2     And you might dismiss even the best of people through these microscopic judgments.

People begin to distrust you. If you pass judgments about other people in front of your audience, you will lose their trust. As they will begin to feel that if you can judge others in front of them, you can talk about them behind their back.     3    

Judgment is a sign of unhappiness. If you are 100% happy with who you are, you are a lot less likely to feel the need to judge others. If you are self-assured, you will not feel the need to cast a downward glance at others.     4     Either way, it is a negative attitude.

    5     If you’re judging others, you’re probably judging yourself pretty harshly as well. You often tend to think that if you are judging people by what they wear, someone might in turn judge you, which, as a consequence, makes you extremely concerned with your appearance.

5 . Active Listening: A Key Skill for Effective Communication

Active listening is a communication skill that goes beyond simply hearing words and involves fully taking part and understanding the speaker’s message. Importantly, it is a significant part in effective communication.     1     Here are some strategies to improve your active listening skills.

Give full attention to the speaker. Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation, observing the speaker’s body language, and facial expressions to avoid negative responses. It also requires listening to the speaker with all your senses, including sight, sound and so on.     2     For example, when you are chatting, put away your cellphones or stay away from a funny TV show.

Maintain good eye contact with the conversation partner. When taking part in active listening, making eye contact is especially important.     3     However, if we fix our eyes on your conversation partners all the time, it will make them embarrassed, which will probably end the conversation. To avoid it, follow the 50/70 rule, which means keeping eye contact for 50% to 70% of the time spent listening, holding contact for four to five seconds before looking away.

    4     Active listening involves asking follow-up questions, or summarizing the main points to show that we have paid attention. Additionally, reflecting on their words and offering proper responses can help create a productive dialogue. Responding should be supportive and respectful, allowing for further discussion and deeper understanding.

By actively listening, we can create stronger connections, and promote trust and respect in our relationships. Remember, active listening goes beyond simply hearing.     5    

8 . We often think about relationships on a scale from positive to negative. We are drawn to loving family members, caring classmates and supportive mentors. We do our best to avoid the cruel uncle, the playground bully and the jerk boss.

But the most toxic relationships aren’t the purely negative ones. They’re the ones that are a mix of positive and negative. We often call them frenemies, supposed friends who sometimes help you and sometimes hurt you. But ifs not just friends. It’s the in-laws who volunteer to watch your kids but belittle your parenting. The manager who praises your work but denies you a promotion.

Everyone knows how relationships like that can tie your stomach into a knot. But groundbreaking research led by the psychologists Bert Uchino and Julianne Holt-Lunstad shows that ambivalent (矛盾情绪的) relationships can be damaging to your health — even more than purely negative relationships.

I had assumed that with a neighbor or a colleague, having some positive interactions was better than all negative interactions. But being cheered on by the same person who cuts you down doesn’t reduce the bad feelings; it increases them. And it’s not just in your head: It leaves a trace in your heart and your blood.

Even a single ambivalent interaction can cause harm. In one experiment, people gave impromptu speeches on controversial topics in front of a friend who offered feedback. The researchers had randomly assigned the friend to give ambivalent or negative comments. Receiving mixed feedback caused higher blood pressure than pure criticism. “I would have gone about the topic differently, but you’re doing fine” proved to be more distressing than “I totally disagree with everything you’ve said.”

The evidence that ambivalent relationships can be bad for us is strong, but the reasons can be harder to read — just like the relationships themselves.

The most intuitive reason is that ambivalent relationships are unpredictable. With a clear enemy, you put up a shield when you cross paths. With a frenemy, you never know whether Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde is going to show up. Feeling unsure can disrupt the body’s calming system and activate a fight-or-flight response. It’s unsettling to hope for a hug while also preparing for a likely quarrel.

Another factor is that unpleasant interactions are more painful in an ambivalent relationship. It’s more upsetting to be let down by people you like sometimes than by people you dislike all the time. When someone stabs you in the back, it stings more if he’s been friendly to your face.

9 . We all know the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. This is an old proverb we learn from an early age.    1    

Have you ever noticed that when you do something nice for someone else, it makes you feel better too? This isn’t just something that happens randomly (随机地).     2     Doing nice things for others increases your serotonin (血清素), which is responsible for feelings of satisfaction and well-being.

    3     While there are several ways to reduce anxiety, it turns out that being nice to others can be one of the easiest, most inexpensive ways to keep anxiety at bay. University of British Columbia researchers found that participants who engaged in kind acts displayed significant increases in positive afct (积极情感) that lasted over the four weeks of their study. So, the next time you’re feeling anxious, look for opportunities to help others.

Making others feel good can “warm” your heart, sure — but being nice to others can also affect the actual chemical balance of your heart. Kindness releases the hormone oxytocin which reduces blood pressure and therefore protects the heart.    4     Maybe that’s why they say nice, caring people have really big hearts.

Kindness can help you live longer. You may be shaking your head at this one, but there’s science to back it up. According to Health.com, you’re at a greater risk of heart disease if you don’t have a strong network of family and friends. When you’re kind to others, you develop strong, meaningful relationships and friendships.    5