2 . Initial conversations can have a huge impact on how relationships develop over time. People are often stuck in the impressions they think they might have made the minute they finish speaking with someone for the first time: “Did they like me or were they just being polite?” “Were they deep in thought or deeply bored?”

To find out whether these worries are necessary, we have conducted nearly 10 years of research. In our studies, participants in the UK talked with someone they had never met before. Afterward, they were asked how much they liked their conversation partner and how much they believed that their conversation partner liked them. This allowed us to compare how much people believed they were liked to how much they were actually liked.

Time and time again, we found that people left their conversations with negative feelings about the impression they made. That is, people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company — a false belief we call the “liking gap”.

This bias (偏见) may seem like something that would occur only in initial interactions, but its effects extend far beyond a first impression. Surprisingly, the liking gap can constantly affect a variety of relationships, including interactions with coworkers, long after the initial conversations have taken place. Having a larger liking gap is associated with being less willing to ask workmates for help, less willing to provide workmates with open and honest feedback, and less willing to work on another project together.

There are numerous strategies to minimize your biased feelings. One place to start is shifting your focus of attention. Try to direct your attention to your conversation partner, be genuinely curious about them, ask them more questions, and really listen to their answers. The more you’re zeroed in on the other person, and the less you’re focused on yourself, the better your conversation will be and the less your mind will turn to all the things you think you didn’t do well.

3 . We often think about relationships on a scale from positive to negative. We are drawn to loving family members, caring classmates and supportive mentors. We do our best to avoid the cruel uncle, the playground bully and the jerk boss.

But the most toxic relationships aren’t the purely negative ones. They’re the ones that are a mix of positive and negative. We often call them frenemies, supposed friends who sometimes help you and sometimes hurt you. But ifs not just friends. It’s the in-laws who volunteer to watch your kids but belittle your parenting. The manager who praises your work but denies you a promotion.

Everyone knows how relationships like that can tie your stomach into a knot. But groundbreaking research led by the psychologists Bert Uchino and Julianne Holt-Lunstad shows that ambivalent (矛盾情绪的) relationships can be damaging to your health — even more than purely negative relationships.

I had assumed that with a neighbor or a colleague, having some positive interactions was better than all negative interactions. But being cheered on by the same person who cuts you down doesn’t reduce the bad feelings; it increases them. And it’s not just in your head: It leaves a trace in your heart and your blood.

Even a single ambivalent interaction can cause harm. In one experiment, people gave impromptu speeches on controversial topics in front of a friend who offered feedback. The researchers had randomly assigned the friend to give ambivalent or negative comments. Receiving mixed feedback caused higher blood pressure than pure criticism. “I would have gone about the topic differently, but you’re doing fine” proved to be more distressing than “I totally disagree with everything you’ve said.”

The evidence that ambivalent relationships can be bad for us is strong, but the reasons can be harder to read — just like the relationships themselves.

The most intuitive reason is that ambivalent relationships are unpredictable. With a clear enemy, you put up a shield when you cross paths. With a frenemy, you never know whether Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde is going to show up. Feeling unsure can disrupt the body’s calming system and activate a fight-or-flight response. It’s unsettling to hope for a hug while also preparing for a likely quarrel.

Another factor is that unpleasant interactions are more painful in an ambivalent relationship. It’s more upsetting to be let down by people you like sometimes than by people you dislike all the time. When someone stabs you in the back, it stings more if he’s been friendly to your face.

4 . Bad judgments are meant to feed our own personal ego (自我意识) and put others down, which is not the healthiest thing to do. Here are five reasons why you should stop it now.

You start finding faults in everyone. Judging quickly moves on to more private areas of your life.     1     You fail to appreciate them and start getting dissatisfied with them. You become critical of even those who matter to you.

Judging becomes a habit. If you judge people, sooner or later, it becomes a habit, and you start judging everyone around you for the tiniest of things.     2     And you might dismiss even the best of people through these microscopic judgments.

People begin to distrust you. If you pass judgments about other people in front of your audience, you will lose their trust. As they will begin to feel that if you can judge others in front of them, you can talk about them behind their back.     3    

Judgment is a sign of unhappiness. If you are 100% happy with who you are, you are a lot less likely to feel the need to judge others. If you are self-assured, you will not feel the need to cast a downward glance at others.     4     Either way, it is a negative attitude.

    5     If you’re judging others, you’re probably judging yourself pretty harshly as well. You often tend to think that if you are judging people by what they wear, someone might in turn judge you, which, as a consequence, makes you extremely concerned with your appearance.

5 . How to Handle an Argument with Your Family Members

We’ve all been there. A relaxed evening with our family members. A lot of laughing. And then, as if someone had sat on the TV remote and changed the channel, the mood shifts. No more warmth. Suddenly there’s shouting, a ping-pong of accusations(指责), deadly stares, and hostility(敌意) streaming from eyes like red laser pointers. Having a conflict with your family members is frustrating, and you may feel sad and depressed.     1    

Do remember that as much as it might feel this way, you’re not in a court of law with your family members.     2     .It is to restore kindness and connection. Think of it this way —if somebody wins, both parties lose.

Do try to be an advocate of others’ feelings.     3     try to stand in the shoes of your family members. Try to understand their immature ways.

    4     .This might frighten your family members, making them feel accused and in turn, act defensively. Example: “I was on the phone with my sister and then suddenly you started acting like crazy out of the blue.” Talk about the way you felt instead. Example: “I was on the phone with my sister and then I suddenly felt scared when I saw you looking at me like I was in trouble.”

Don’t try to explain yourself. You often want to explain yourself when having conflicts with your family members, but you don’t have time. You’re being cut off and attacked again.     5     .The more you talk, the less your family members seem to understand and the further away you get from an agreement.

6 . Most of us associate awe (敬畏) with something rare and beautiful: nature, music or a spiritual experience. But people can waken awe too, and not just public heroes. Research shows that we can be awed by our nearest and dearest — the people sitting next to us on the couch, chatting on the other end of the phone, looking back at us over Zoom.     1    

Often, interpersonal awe is a response to life’s big, sweeping changes, such as witnessing a baby’s first steps.     2     John Bargh said he was “truly awestruck” — by his 5-year-old daughter while dining in a McDonald’s. When she heard another child crying, she grabbed the toy from her Happy Meal, walked over to the boy and handed it to him.

Though we can’t make someone else behave in a way that’s awesome, we can prepare ourselves to notice it when they do and boost the emotion’s positive effects.

Question your assumptions. Do you believe your partner is insensitive or your sibling is selfish? There may be a little truth to that, but it’s never the whole tale.     3     To increase your chances of feeling awed by the other person, ask yourself what’s going on in his or her life that you don’t know about.

Name awe when you see it. Speaking out “Wow, that was awesome!” is a simple way to help you identify and remember a special experience. Savor (品味) it in the moment and then tell others about it. This will reinforce your positive emotions.     4     Studies show that you will feel awe again simply by remembering an awe experience.

    5     This makes the other person feel good and can give your relationship a boost. And it will help you too: Studies show that people who practice gratitude have significantly higher levels of happiness and psychological well-being.

7 . Look up how to increase your life expectancy (预期寿命), and you will probably see plenty of results recommending that you have a healthy diet, get sufficient sleep, work out and cut out tobacco and too much alcohol consumption. But what many of us don’t know is that our relationships also affect our life expectancy. Social integration is associated with greater life satisfaction, better health and increased life expectancy. People with wide social networks are more likely to be happy, experience fewer health issues, enjoy better mental health and to live a lot longer.

Now this doesn’t mean that we should dive head first into a relationship whenever we’re lonely in order to avoid dying young. Harmful relationships can be as isolating as being alone, so who we choose to break bread with is absolutely vital to our overall health.

Have you ever wondered why some people are single and happy, while others are drowning in suffering? Or why some married couples exist in a consistent state of bliss, while others are practically enemies?

Research shows that marriage has greater benefits for men than it does for women. Being coupled allows men to receive the essential emotional support that they would lack if they were single. They also get the added benefit of being physically taken care of thanks to the gender roles society still subscribes to.

Women, on the other hand, don’t have as much luck when it comes to being coupled. A woman in a harmful relationship is likely to experience the mental, emotional and physical consequences that come with that. On the contrary, a woman in a healthy relationship is likely to live well. Research shows that the women who are happily married tend to be coupled with partners who take on their fair share of household responsibilities.

But that’s not all, age gaps also need to be factored in to determine relationship satisfaction. Couples with wider age gaps are more likely to be harmonious compared to their peers.

8 . Perhaps,you are a smart person with good knowledge and creative ideas, but when you move to a new environment or have to work with some new people,it is not always easy for them to recognize you or respect you immediately.    1    How can you get other people to pay attention to you and respect you?

Be curious and be willing to learn new things.

Moving to a new working environment,you may need to deal with new things or skills.     2     In such a case,people who are more willing to learn new things can become more flexible and be able to meet new requirements in their job.

    3    

Learning or working in a new environment,you need to have a good sense of judgement when joining a discussion or making a decision. You should consider what is virtually right, and look for long-term goals,and not be distracted by small choices for the short term.

Be confident and make eye contact when talking to people.

When you go out and meet people,it is important to look confident. For example, if you are going to an interview,but you don’t feel confident, what can you do? Before you walk in, think to yourself,“I own the room.”    4    Remember to look other people in the eye—it’s the key to creating a connection with people. Soon,you will feel as confident as you look.

Set clear goals and learn.

When working together with others,it is important that you have a clear vision and a working plan to achieve it. Let people know what you stand for. You need to find out which ideas can really unite people and then express those ideas clearly.    5    .

Be helpful to others. When working, don’t focus on what is your work and what isn’t. After do-ing your own work,always be ready to help others.

Victor Hugo said: “The most important quality for a man is kindness.” Why is kindness important?

Kindness is     1    type of behavior marked by acts of generosity, consideration, or concern for others, without     2     (expect) praise or reward.

Aristotle defined kindness     3     “helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself,     4     for that of the person helped”.

    5    (base) on experiments at Yale University using games with babies, some studies concluded     6     kindness is native to human beings. Researchers also carried out some other similar     7    (study) about the root of empathy (同理心) developing in the early months of life     8    (find) out the easy concern shown by children for their peers in distress.

Recently, Barbara Taylor and Adam Phillips     9    (stress) the element of necessary realism in adult kindness, as well as the way “real kindness changes people in the doing of it, often in unpredictable ways”.

Kindness is important because if everyone is kind, the whole world will be harmonious and     10    (benefit) to everyone.