2 . As a professional life and relationship coach, Allison Cowan has over 21 years of experience in teaching and supporting others to achieve their goals. She has dedicated her career to helping her clients gain power and awareness in their lives.

As a coach, Allison inspires her clients to overcome obstacles and achieve goals. However, her practice has come with its own share of challenges. Expanding her knowledge to meet diverse client needs has involved lots of trial-and-error searching.

Initially, Allison spent a hard time building strong and trustworthy relationships with her clients. She knew trust was critical to finding and retaining clients but was frustrated at how long the trust-building process takes.

Allison soon learned that there was no single right way to coach. To meet her clients’ different needs, she needed to become more efficient at supporting their diverse learning styles. To overcome her challenges as a coach and offer better service, she began looking for ways to customize her coaching solutions.

During her search, Allison realized Positive Psychology is a field with many different goals. “It covers so many areas, including whatever a client may go through,” she recalled. Later, she began using self-reflection tools to help her clients develop self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. She even discovered a way to help clients without a coaching goal find their purposes. She said, “There’s a lot of blame. The more they stay in blame mode, the more angry they are, and they are not able to move forward with acceptance and forgiveness. But we can find solutions in Positive Psychology.”

Whether Allison was helping clients build self-confidence, understand their attachment styles, or reframe their challenges, she quickly found that she was also learning all the time. By completing the homework Allison assigned to them, her clients were also changing. They were more engaged with their coaching and making more significant progress between their sessions. That made Allison proud. She said, “They grow and move forward at a quicker pace. That’s what coaching is about.”

3 . According to Jaime Roberts, good consulting is often about loosening the body, opening the mind and, more often than not, keeping the mouth shut.

Your body language matters

Jaime Roberts has been one of my go to experts for advice for decades. When I once asked her why she was so good at consulting, she was quick to mention her body language. “    1    ,” she said, “Otherwise, they might not open up to me as much as I would want them to.”

You don’t have to fix the problem

That’s another thing Jaime Roberts has learned on the job, “People who ask ‘What should I do?’ often want to process a problem themselves.     2    ,” she said. “Part of the trick is remembering that listening is the best thing you have to do, in most cases.”

You don’t need to give advice right now

Texts and FaceTime might be immediate, but your advice doesn’t have to be.     3    . “Forcing yourself to give advice when you can’t will do more harm than good,” she said.

    4    

You’re bound to hear about problems you haven’t experienced firsthand. That’s why Jaime Roberts says you should let them know that you’re just human beings with limited experience.     5    .

6 . It is so easy to just go home and shut your door without getting to know your neighbors. But being an active neighbor will turn your living place into a kinder and more caring neighborhood.

    1    . You don’t have to show up with a fresh apple pie or anything like that. It’s truly as simple as saying hello, introducing yourself and asking a few open-ended questions. But they are the first step to becoming a kind neighbor.

Then get out of your comfort zone and make efforts to know more about your neighbors.     2    . And if you feel comfortable, let them know that you’re there to help, if they ever need another hand.

Another way to show your neighbors that you care is by making your small acts of kindness a regular practice. This can be cleaning up the litter or even cleaning up after the pets have made a mess on your block.     3    , you can ask your partner or kids to pick a bunch of flowers from the garden to give your new neighbor.     4    .

Remind yourself that being connected feels good and boosts your mood in the long run. If you take the first step, your small acts of kindness can encourage others to pay that kindness forward.     5    . Challenging as they are, reaching out to your neighbors is worth the efforts.

7 . As a young child, I was painfully shy. I’d watch other children play in the park, wishing I could join them, but I was too scared to approach. Eventually, my mother would come to the rescue. She’d ask the other kids if I could play, too. Today, I feel comfortable giving public lectures in large halls and having conversations in small groups, but I still tend to avoid situations in which I’m expected to spend time with a roomful of strangers.

There could be many reasons. For one thing, I might be carrying some childhood fear of rejection. But beyond that possibility, one likely element is that I tend to underestimate how much people like me after I meet them, as most of us do.

A new research paper reports that the common concern that new people may not like us, or that they may not enjoy our company, is largely unfounded.

Erica Boothby of Cornell University and her colleagues conducted a series of studies to find out what our conversation partners really think of us. In doing so, they discovered a new cognitive illusion (认知错觉) they call “the liking gap”: our failure to realize how much strangers appreciate our company after a bit of conversation.

The researchers observed the gap in a variety of situations: strangers getting acquainted in the research laboratory, first-year college students getting to know their dormitory mates over the course of many months, and community members meeting fellow participants in personal development workshops. In each circumstance, people consistently underestimated how much others liked them. For much of the academic year, as dormitory mates got to know each other and even started to develop enduring friendships, the liking gap persisted.

The data also revealed some of the potential reasons for the illusion: we are often more severe with ourselves than with others, and our inner critic prevents us from appreciating how positively other people evaluate us. Not knowing what our conversation partners really think of us, we use our own thoughts as a proxy (代理人). This is a mistake, because our thoughts tend to be more negative than reality.

8 . Suppose you are out shopping and come across an acquaintance who starts telling you a story that seems to be dragging on and on. You want to seem interested, so you offer the occasional “Oh” or “I see”. To your surprise, though, this person angrily stops in their tracks and says, “Sorry if I’m boring you!”

Where did this come from? Clearly, your body language must have betrayed you. The idea that verbal (口头的) and nonverbal messages can conflict was the inspiration for a recently published study from Yale University’s Lueylle Armentano. As part of her study of communication in relationships, Armentano’s research also examined communication channels in people meeting for the first time.

To test the role of verbal-nonverbal mismatch on emotional communication, Armentano and her partner created experimental conditions to see what happens when someone asks for help from strangers. The research team created videotapes of a fellow Yale student expressing nervousness in his words, bodily gestures, or both. The bodily gestures included running his hands through his hair, grabbing his arm, and facially expressing uneasiness. The key question was whether the other participants, another 82 Yale students, would believe the student and provide the help he was requesting. They needed to give their responses.

Turning to the findings, those nonverbal cues (提示) of nervousness had a greater impact on helping behavior than the verbal cues. Surprisingly, helping behavior was the highest when verbal expressions of nervousness were low but nonverbal cues were high.

Recognizing that your body language can outweigh your words means that you need to be mindful of what your body is doing when you’re interacting with others. Generally, when someone is speaking to you, you want to look like you’re interested. Not only should you maintain eye contact, but you should keep your body still and face toward the other person. If you’re not trying to look interested, it may be more polite to say you have to be somewhere else.

9 . The spotlight（聚光灯） effect refers to the tendency of individuals to overestimate the level of attention they believe they get. They think that they are noticed by everyone, everywhere, and at every point of time. This is surprisingly common, but not at all a fact.

Suppose it’s your friend’s birthday, and you have planned to give her a surprise. You are just about to burst into her house at midnight with a delicious cake and an exciting gift. But as your friend opens the door, she just asks you to get inside the house! How would you feel? Exactly that! You have been struck with the spotlight effect! That simply means that you think you did a great job, and people should value your genius ideas on “how to surprise your dear friend on her birthday”. Not really, as your friend was already expecting you to be there! So, your efforts didn’t get as much attention as you had probably expected.

It is often the case. For example, something like a social gaffe（失态）at a ceremony, a stupid error while making a speech, or having a stain on the clothes when facing a bunch of people. These events become unforgettable memories for us, but are often unnoticed by many. Of course, we still feel they are the biggest mistakes of our lives!

On the contrary, sometimes, it happens that actions like a well-prepared presentation, a brilliant argument in a discussion, or the best throw in a football match are extraordinary efforts for us, which just remain totally overlooked. And you think, “Did anyone just see what I did?” or “Was I the only one present there?” No point losing heart, because that was probably just your perception（认识）—— the spotlight effect.

10 . While working as a graduate student in New York City, Vanessa Bohns was given the much ________ job of collecting survey data in Penn Station as part of an academic research project. Each time she________ a passer-by, she thought she would hear them tell her how________they were. Yet the bad responses rarely came; many more people were________to answer the questionnaires than she had ________.

Was it possible, she wondered, that most of us are________about whether people want to respond to our requests? Over the following decade, she________ multiple studies that confirmed this was indeed the________: in many different situations, people are often far more likely to ________than we assume.

________, it seemed that the results provided a refreshingly________view of human nature. “It started as a positive thing, like, isn’t it ________that people are more likely to do things for you than you think?” However, with time going by and more reflection on the results, Bohns has come to________ that her results reflect a broader tendency that we usually ________ how much influence our words can have over others, whether we’re asking them to________actions that are good or bad. People often________to do what they are asked because they find it too awkward to say no, even when they feel________with our requests.

Knowing this can help us understand how our requests might________other people — particularly in the workplace — and help us adjust our requests________ , in ways that respect people’s ________ and without taking what they have done for us for granted.