2 . Tips to help you overcome people-pleasing

Considering other people’s feelings and treating them with kindness is something we strive to do.    1    

When this happens, people-pleasing has crossed the line from kind and generous to self-abandonment — not being the authentic self because we’re afraid others will disapprove, criticize, or reject us. Here are tips for you to overcome such behaviors.

Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. It’s not something you do if you have time or if you deserve it. Taking care of your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical needs keeps you healthy. Without it, you’ll get sick, stressed, and irritable. Try putting self-care activities (exercise, socializing, hobbies, etc.) on your calendar to ensure that self-care is a priority.

One big mistake people-pleasers make is acting as if everyone’s opinion matters equally. You don’t differentiate whose opinion matters more. Generally, the closer the relationship, the more you’ll value their opinion and want to please them. Thus, it’s natural to want to do things to make your loved ones happy.     3    

Most people worry that painful conflicts will destroy relationships.     4     But it’s not helpful or possible. When you avoid conflict, you suppress your feelings and needs. And this causes you to disconnect from yourself and from others. But healthy conflict is the one in which both parties can respectfully express themselves.     5     This is quite different from the unhealthy conflicts.

4 . We often think about relationships on a scale from positive to negative. We are drawn to loving family members, caring classmates and supportive mentors. We do our best to avoid the cruel uncle, the playground bully and the jerk boss.

But the most toxic relationships aren’t the purely negative ones. They’re the ones that are a mix of positive and negative. We often call them frenemies, supposed friends who sometimes help you and sometimes hurt you. But ifs not just friends. It’s the in-laws who volunteer to watch your kids but belittle your parenting. The manager who praises your work but denies you a promotion.

Everyone knows how relationships like that can tie your stomach into a knot. But groundbreaking research led by the psychologists Bert Uchino and Julianne Holt-Lunstad shows that ambivalent (矛盾情绪的) relationships can be damaging to your health — even more than purely negative relationships.

I had assumed that with a neighbor or a colleague, having some positive interactions was better than all negative interactions. But being cheered on by the same person who cuts you down doesn’t reduce the bad feelings; it increases them. And it’s not just in your head: It leaves a trace in your heart and your blood.

Even a single ambivalent interaction can cause harm. In one experiment, people gave impromptu speeches on controversial topics in front of a friend who offered feedback. The researchers had randomly assigned the friend to give ambivalent or negative comments. Receiving mixed feedback caused higher blood pressure than pure criticism. “I would have gone about the topic differently, but you’re doing fine” proved to be more distressing than “I totally disagree with everything you’ve said.”

The evidence that ambivalent relationships can be bad for us is strong, but the reasons can be harder to read — just like the relationships themselves.

The most intuitive reason is that ambivalent relationships are unpredictable. With a clear enemy, you put up a shield when you cross paths. With a frenemy, you never know whether Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde is going to show up. Feeling unsure can disrupt the body’s calming system and activate a fight-or-flight response. It’s unsettling to hope for a hug while also preparing for a likely quarrel.

Another factor is that unpleasant interactions are more painful in an ambivalent relationship. It’s more upsetting to be let down by people you like sometimes than by people you dislike all the time. When someone stabs you in the back, it stings more if he’s been friendly to your face.

5 . Boundaries are personal guidelines that define what is and isn’t okay in your interpersonal relationships. As everyone has different needs and comfort levels, they may appear different for each person. Having healthy boundaries may provide such benefits as avoiding burnout, boosting self-esteem and maintaining personal space.     1     After setting your boundaries, it’s helpful to review them on a regular basis to remain relevant to your life circumstances.

    2     The way you set them reflects your attitude to taking responsibility in life. Taking the time to think about your wants and needs in different situations will help you understand how your values influence boundary-setting. Once you have made the list of your values, needs, and wants, use that knowledge to establish clear boundaries that respect yourself and those around you.

Once you have identified your boundaries, it is important to communicate them effectively.     3     Express your ideas in an open and straightforward manner; speak up for yourself so that others can hear, understand and respect your needs. Additionally, take a step back if tensions arise during a conversation about setting boundaries. Allow yourself or the other person to cool down before restarting the conversation.     4    

When learning how to set healthy boundaries, it is essential to learn how to say “no”. Saying “yes” to everything can lead to stress, burnout, and frustration. It is important to understand what you consider acceptable and unacceptable, setting limits that reflect those standards.     5     If the situation persists, remove yourself from it respectfully. You deserve more than surrounding yourself with people who don’t value your values.

8 . Have you ever struggled to understand how someone else feels? Building up your empathy (同理心) skills helps you connect with your friends.     1    

What is empathy?

Empathy is a kind of capability that lets you step into someone else’s shoes and then figure out how they are feeling. For instance, if you can see your friend is upset after losing a football match and you support them by telling them some warm and motivating words, you are showing empathy. Miranda McKeamey set up an organization called EmpathyLab that builds empathy through reading.     2     “Empathy is a force for change,” she says.

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Scientists say empathy isn’t something you are born with, it’s a skill you can acquire through learning. One way you can do this is by active listening. When someone is talking to you, listen closely and respond in a way that shows you understand their situations and emotions thoroughly. Reading, advocated by EmpathyLab, is also a great way to boost empathy, since stories can take you inside someone else’s mind and show you the world through their eves and emotions.

Put empathy into action.

    4     This could mean trying out something that is important to a friend or family member, like exploring their favorite place. EmpathyLab advocated ideas for putting empathy into action in schools or at home. That might be connecting with someone new in your class and having a friendly conversation, or making small changes to your behaviour. All small acts of kindness to others can make a difference, which in turn will be copied by someone else.     5    

9 . How do you express gratitude in your everyday life? For me, it sometimes feels worrying: hand-writing hundreds of thank you cards after an anniversary, or making sure to eat every last bite on my plate so my grandma wouldn’t think I was ungrateful for the meal.

    1    Here are some tips about how to be better at showing gratitude.

Start a gratitude journal or write a letter. Make it a habit to put down the things that you’re thankful for.     2     There’s also some evidence that it could lower your risk of heart disease and symptoms of depression for some people. Think of someone in your life who you have not had the chance to thank. Think of a specific instance when they helped you. Then, it’s a good idea to send them a letter.     3    

    4     Look around in your immediate space, and take notice of everything that makes up your environment: the sky, the cool wind, the warmth of your sweater. The act of simply noticing and naming things is a great way to stretch your gratitude muscle as well as obtain some clarity on the strength of all the unique connections in your life.

Bear in mind the difference between saying “thanks to” and “thanks for”. Being grateful “for” something can be a little unclear or general.     5     It encourages specificity and reminds you of your connection with and responsibility to that person or thing.

10 . Friendship is a practice of unconditional love, an opportunity to grow together towards fulfillment (成就), and a journey to unfold the most precious capacities of a human being.     1    Here 4 key points to develop and sustain a true friendship.

    2    Many times we blame the other person for what we feel, without realizing that we are presenting the bad power to him/her. This is not, however, something we must be afraid of or we should avoid. When we create a bond of affection with another human being, we are automatically vulnerable to the actions that are produced by this person. Being aware of that, we would be better off if we take responsibility and accept the emotions that come up in our inner world instead of blaming the other for what we are feeling.

Provide support and encouragement. Friendships aren’t all fun and games — they do require you put in some work. Say they’ve just quarreled with their parents or failed an exam. It’s your job to be there for them and provide them with whatever they need, starting with support and comfort.     3    

Whatever the case, make it apparent that you’re rooting for them.

Seek the good of the other person. When we love another person, we seek the good of the other because we gladden their own happiness. Therefore, our seeking for the other person’s good is totally disinterested. We serve the other without expecting anything in return.     4    

Accept the differences.     5    . Friendship welcomes differences and integrates them into a level of union that accepts and goes beyond them. Friendship involves recognizing that the value of the relationship is beyond our personal traits and belief system.