1 . “Individuals of all ages who have empathy (共情) understand that sometimes telling little white lies can protect other people from getting hurt,” says Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist in Connecticut. “Most people that I have come across tell these little white lies because they understand that 100 percent honesty all the time is not beneficial.” A white lie, she explains, spares people from unnecessary hurt.

At the same time, Dr. Julia Breur, a marriage and family therapist in Florida, emphasizes the importance of paying attention to the way we respond to someone. The fact is that not telling the truth can result in something unpleasant on you; it’s not just about the person the white lie is being told to. For example, she says someone who always tells others that “all is good” when it comes to a sick parent in an effort to avoid discussions about how serious their health issue really is, can eventually face stressful experiences. When that parent eventually passes away, the person who always gave an “all is good” response ends up emotionally broken.

Sometimes, telling white lies often depends on the situation, Dr. Breur says. For example, consider a woman who has not seen her mother for several months. The daughter has gained noticeable weight, yet the mother responds by excitedly declaring that she looks great. “I emphasize during psychotherapy sessions with my patients that context helps define meaning,” Dr. Breur says. “So when we look at the context of a mother saying you look great when she clearly sees that her daughter has gained weight, it can be acceptable. It reflects the intention of the white lie which is kindness, protection and unconditional love. Otherwise, white lies — especially when told to avoid personal accountability — can start a cycle of mistrust between people, ultimately compromising integrity,” she adds.

Therefore, it’s important to ask ourselves when it is and isn’t appropriate to deliver the honest truth, and when it’s best to step back and offer a more delicate response. More often than not, it’s about finding a balance between the two.

2 . A few years ago, I walked into Panera and placed my order. As I sat down, I noticed that at the table next to me, there was an older man with a cap eating his soup alone. At the sight of this, a feeling of sadness began to wash over me. Why was he eating alone? Was he lonely? Did he want someone to keep him company?

This wasn’t the first time I’d felt sad when I noticed someone eating alone. I automatically assume they’re lonely and need someone to be there for them. For some reason, eating with other people is the norm. Modern society has evolved to the point where most people eat with others and do almost every activity together. If we need to get lunch before a class, we’d rather ask around to see if someone will come with us. But is it possible we just don’t want to appear lonely?

For me, it’s easy to get pressured to have to be around other people when I see everyone else around me accompanied by a friend almost all the time. So many people are always around someone else, and that may make people think we always need someone with us to feel better about ourselves.

But that’s not true. We can enjoy being alone not everyone needs to be constantly surrounded by friends to be happy. And we shouldn’t be afraid to eat alone if that’s what we want to do. We don’t have to do what everyone else does.

Ultimately, I don’t think I’ll ever not get sad if I see someone eating alone, but I’ll bear in mind that maybe they just want a break from the world, or maybe they prefer it that way. It’s important to realize seeing someone doing something alone doesn’t always mean they’re lonely.

3 . The Power of Peers

Do birds of a feather really flock together? People do tend to choose friends who are similar to them. Many behaviors spread socially. Activities in certain brain areas change when other people are around.     1     You can use the power of social relationships to gain healthier habits — and motivate others to do the same.

    2     Teens are especially responsive to peer influence. At the same time, the reward system in the teen brain becomes extra sensitive. Teens are just learning to explore the social world. Understanding other people’s values and being influenced by them are important parts of socializing.

A research shows that even just having another peer around can change the reward response in the brain and also the risk-taking tendencies of teenagers. Some people seem to be more easily influenced than others and more sensitive to feeling included or excluded by others.     3     But it’s also a time that peer influence can help teens thrive if it gets them more involved with their community or helps them learn behaviors to get along with others.

It’s the quality of friendships — not quantity — that really makes the difference. Friendships you feel you want to let go of may be low quality.     4       High quality friendships provide understanding, support, and recognition of your self-worth. These types of friendships are more steady and satisfying.

Spending time with friends can be especially helpful for people. Noticing that our behavior is influenced by other people, we can be intentional and try to focus on the people who are doing the things we want to get into ourselves.     5    

5 . There’s a long line of research showing that when we make contact with people who’re socially different from us, we tend to feel less prejudice towards them. According to the contact theory, contact seems to work best for reducing prejudice when the contact is generally positive. But what happens when the conditions for interpersonal contact may not be ideal? For example, what if you feel threatened in some way by a group of people you see as “the other”?

Researchers from Ghent University in Belgium analyzed the results of 34 studies surveying nearly 64,000 people from 19 countries to see how intergroup contact affected their viewpoints about “outgroups” under conflict situations. For example, people were asked to report on how they viewed other groups. The researchers also had data from the surveys that measured attitudes towards outgroup members, such as how positive people felt towards them and how much they could trust them.

After analyzing the data, the researchers found strong feelings of threat were associated with more negative views of outgroup members. But having contact with outgroup members still reduced prejudice just as much under those unfavorable conditions. To Jasper Van Assche, the lead author of the paper, this suggests contact theory holds even under conflict situations.

Van Assche says that contact is so powerful probably because just being around people from an outgroup affects how we think and feel about them. As we become accustomed to even the me re presence of people from other groups, that can reduce our anxiety, especially if the encounters are positive—and that can lead to warmer feelings. Also, contact can enhance our knowledge about others’ customs and practices, so that they don’t seem so foreign or “other” to us.

Van Assche hopes his research can lead people to see the benefits of integrating the spaces where they live. This could be done through top-down methods, such as the government requiring school integration, but also from the bottom up. For example, suggests Van Assche, communities could create low-cost, low-key events that bring people together, helping to promote tolerance.

6 . A therapy (治疗) client and I are working on an eating disorder and find it originated from a relationship break-up or perhaps being bullied in middle school. Such hurtful experiences led to not eating for a couple of weeks. Then comes a high praise from a friend that totally backfires. Maybe it’s an enthusiastic, “Wow, you look great!’’ In a flash, this praise excites an inner and often unconscious thought: “Oh, people care more about me if I lose weight. So many things feel out of control but I can control people’s affection by not eating.”

Often, very well-intentioned individuals offer praise out of a desire to uplift and connect. Such praise is often tied, directly or indirectly, to a person’s relationship with the standards of a specific group or institution. Sadly, such praise can easily reduce an individual’s dignity to their level in line with the group’s expectations rather than supporting their inherent (固有的) dignity and worth. So, what’s a better way?

One answer is to exit the game of “right and wrong” and enter a more life-giving focus on what needs are present. Returning to our example above, when you see that someone has lost weight and you want to give them a praise, just pause and take a deep breath. Simply ask, “How are you doing?” See them and hear them. Appreciate them as a person of limitless value. Know there may be much more to their inner world than meets the eye. Similarly, when you see someone’s success in school, appreciate the hard work they put into it. Ask with gentle curiosity, “How’s it been for you?” Listen with your full attention that in itself can be a rare gift in today’s hustle and bustle world.

By maintaining your concern and listening to the ways they want to be accompanied and supported — even when it might not be your first instinct — you can see them as a whole person, with complex feelings, very human needs, and inherent dignity.

7 . Tips to help you overcome people-pleasing

Considering other people’s feelings and treating them with kindness is something we strive to do.    1    

When this happens, people-pleasing has crossed the line from kind and generous to self-abandonment — not being the authentic self because we’re afraid others will disapprove, criticize, or reject us. Here are tips for you to overcome such behaviors.

Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. It’s not something you do if you have time or if you deserve it. Taking care of your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical needs keeps you healthy. Without it, you’ll get sick, stressed, and irritable. Try putting self-care activities (exercise, socializing, hobbies, etc.) on your calendar to ensure that self-care is a priority.

One big mistake people-pleasers make is acting as if everyone’s opinion matters equally. You don’t differentiate whose opinion matters more. Generally, the closer the relationship, the more you’ll value their opinion and want to please them. Thus, it’s natural to want to do things to make your loved ones happy.     3    

Most people worry that painful conflicts will destroy relationships.     4     But it’s not helpful or possible. When you avoid conflict, you suppress your feelings and needs. And this causes you to disconnect from yourself and from others. But healthy conflict is the one in which both parties can respectfully express themselves.     5     This is quite different from the unhealthy conflicts.

8 . Clear and effective communication not only can help you get what you want but also is important to successful relationships with your partner coworkers, bosses, and friends. You take part in some form of communication with others many times a day.     1     To be an effective communicator, you first need to learn which habits to break and which ones to build, so you can be a thoughtful listener and a powerful speaker.

Few people have had any training in listening at all and they don’t know how to communicate with others. If you want to interact effectively with me, you first need to understand me. And you can’t do that with techniques alone.     2     And I don’t feel safe enough to open myself up to you.

    3     The conversation flows naturally out of your character, or the kind of person you truly are. It is obvious in how I actually experience you. If your private performance doesn’t match your public performance, it will be very hard for me to open up to you.     4    

Unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings you won’t know how to advise me.     5     You may say you care about and appreciate me. I really want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can’t trust words.

10 . Customer service refers to the way that companies behave towards their customers.     1    However, many a time organizations don’t focus on customer relationship management, and that’s what makes customers angry, which is one of the reasons why companies lose their customers.     2    

First of all, you need to realize the great value of the customers. It’s they who are the boss, and it, s because of them that you get your pay checks. So do take your customers seriously.

    3     You need to ask the customers the right kind of questions and think of the possible solutions which you can provide. Understand how they feel according to a particular situation, their body language, tone of voice and words they speak. Never make assumptions and think that you know what the customers want.

Making customers feel they are important is an excellent way to serve them better.     4     The best way to do that is using their first name and finding ways of praising them in a sincere way.

In addition, there are some other skills which will help you in serving your customers better. For example, once you finish solving the problem for the customers, before ending the call, always remember to ask if there is anything else you can do for them. End the call with a “thank you”. If the customers are angry, let them express their anger completely.    5     Once they’ve finished speaking, try to calm them down by apologizing.

In a word, always remember that if the customers remain happy, you’ll be in business.