1 . Everyone carries a shield（屏障）. Our shields protect what we don’t want others to see, from our embarrassing secrets to our unpredictable feelings.     1     But the problem is that shields can become heavy burdens — easy to put on yet difficult to remove — with terrible effects.

Since shields encourage us to hide negative parts of ourselves, we can start to believe that we aren’t worth showing. We might fear how our friends will judge our struggles or how our families will view our ambitions.     2    

However, we have to remember that we aren’t perfect, nor should we expect to be. We need to find and cure the wounds underneath our shields, but that means we have to let down our guard. We may even have problems we haven’t admitted to ourselves.     3     Even if it seems insignificant, every problem should be acknowledged before it grows. Before being cured, we must know that we need to be cured, and be okay with admitting that.

Knowing this takes bravery and patience, so it’ll be hard.     4     Yet asking for help means admitting our problems to somebody else — it means letting them see what’s behind our shields. To make it easier, we can reveal ourselves to somebody close to us who we trust will understand us and provide personal support. Or, if we fear judgement, we can open up to someone distant but knowledgeable, such as a counsellor or a help line. No matter what, we can find help when we begin searching.

    5     We can be more forgiving of faults so we can become comfortable with ours and encourage others to follow. Most importantly, we can let people know that we are willing to listen and help and make it easier to let down our shields.

4 . Over the past few months, the Let Them Theory has been making waves online. It started when Mel Robbins, a popular motivational speaker, shared it on Instagram. In her video, Robbins talks about the importance of letting go of control in certain situations, advocating for a model shift in how we interact with others.

Robbins insists that too often, we waste time and energy trying to push others into meeting our expectations. Instead, she proposes a simpler, more liberating approach: “letting them” be themselves. “Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them. Then, you get to choose what you do next.” she said.

Dr. Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and mental health expert, offers deeper insights into the psychological foundation of this Theory. She said that our natural desire to control others often originates from a need to relieve our own anxieties and uncertainties. However, such attempts often result in disappointment and exhaustion as we realize the uselessness of our efforts. Basically, the theory emphasizes the acknowledgment that we cannot control the actions or decisions of others. It urges us to give up the burden of forcing our desires onto those closest to us and accept the mindset of acceptance.

While the theory may not be formally recognized in clinical settings, its principles connect with established concepts such as acceptance and mindfulness. It shows the essence of acceptance and commitment therapy, emphasizing the importance of accepting our thoughts and feelings without judgment. Meanwhile, marriage and family therapist Chapell Marsh further explains the resemblance between the theory and the psychological concept of “locus of control.”

The theory received a lot of positive responses. Many claim that adopting this approach has fostered harmony and minimized conflicts in their interactions. However, it’s urgent to recognize the limitations of the theory. While it promotes acceptance and nonjudgmental attitudes, it must not be employed in situations where safety is compromised or where necessary conversations are avoided. “Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to problems,” said Chapell Marsh.

5 . The only words you need to say after receiving a compliment (赞美) are “thank you”. But you know that's easier said than done.

There are many reasons why you have a hard time accepting compliments.     1     It's a three step process. First, believe what people tell you. If you're still having a hard time taking the compliment, double check. And if it's still hard to accept then you'll have to check yourself.

    2     For example, if you're six feet tall and I say, “Wow, you're tall! ” I'm being honest. I'm five foot nine, so plenty of people are tall compared to me. I'm expressing that subjectively, from my shorter vantage point, you are tall. I'm not saying everyone would agree with me. Just like if I say City of God is a great movie, I'm not saying you have to think it's a great movie.

You have to listen carefully to compliments. It's not always obvious if you're being complimented for something only others can observe. If you are five foot six inches tall, and weigh seventy pounds, I would say you are slim. But if you are comparing yourself to someone who is shorter, and weighs five pounds less than you, you might call yourself plump. In this extreme example, the outside perspective is more accurate than the internal one.       3    

If you're still struggling to accept a compliment, you don't just have to take someone at their word. It can be hard to accept an opinion when it's the opposite of yours, so call in reinforcements. Ask someone else what they think.     4     You can ask two or three or four more people if two isn't enough.

    5     If you mislead or lie to people about your opinions, then it's not surprising that you have a hard time trusting that people's compliments are genuine. Be more honest with people around you, and you'll find it much easier to believe what people say about you.

6 . Behavioral scientists have found that good listening is one of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships.     1     At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest in another person and making him/her feel understood.    2     But some recurring (重复出现) features include attentiveness, conveying understanding, and showing a positive intention towards the speaker.

In addition to actively attending to a speaker’s words, good listeners also use questions and body language that indicate their understanding and their desire to understand. This might feel awkward at first, and what’s most effective might depend on your relationship with the speaker.    3     Another great way to show your understanding is by summarizing what you just heard and asking if you have missed anything. Summaries like this show the speaker that you’re truly trying to understand him/her rather than just waiting for your turn to talk. But while a good conversation requires back and forth, planning out your response while the speaker is talking is a common way to miss what’s being said.    4     This might feel embarrassing, but asking for clarification actually shows that you’re committed to understanding.

    5     It’s okay to ask for a moment to formulate your response and taking a beat to think can help speakers reflect on their speech as well.

These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference. And when people feel heard, they report more satisfaction, trust, and connection in their relationships.

7 . Conflict in communities is usually about the task or the person. Of course, sometimes it’s hard to separate one from the other.

Task conflict happens when people have different ideas of what needs to be done. It points to potential differences in opinion about everything you can imagine that is essential for a group: mission, priorities of tasks, compensation mechanism (机制), decision-making mechanisms, etc. Task conflict is not a problem when people realize the source of the conflict is the task and not the people. Community members must resolve tension inclusively with everyone’s voice being heard and acknowledged. However, this does not mean that the solution must include everyone’s opinion. After the conversation, everyone should feel that they had a fair chance to express their opinion and that it was taken seriously by others and not brushed aside.

Conflict between people is tricky because it’s attacking a person’s essence and self-worth. Often this form of conflict, relationship conflict, happens when two conditions are met: First, people have different values or are holding different assumptions, and secondly, neither party can see beyond their own biases. With relationship conflict, the person is perceived to be the problem and is being attacked by others. Each party assumes that most people are on their side and that the other person is acting out of self-interest. This eventually leads to people disagreeing with each other, not for the task’s sake but to prove the other person is wrong.

Sometimes conflict originates in a task. People might prefer different tools or different approaches. If this initial controversy is ignored or not dealt with appropriately, the relatively easy task conflict turns into a more complex relationship conflict. When relationship conflict occurs, a lot of things are reactive rather than reflective. People stop thinking and act impulsively (冲动地).

All in all, remember that every culture has its own way of handling conflict. Some people consider it dishonest if an argument is not addressed openly, while in other cultures, such a discussion will not be acceptable. It comes down to “Don’t assume everyone thinks like you”.

8 . The Surprising Strength of “Weak” Social Ties

It’s long been known that a community of supportive relationships improves our quality of life and can even help us recover from illness.     1    . Regularly interacting with a wide variety of social ties, both “weak” and “strong”, enhances our satisfaction. A rich diversity of ties provides more significant benefits to well-being, and “weak” social ties can prove just as important to life satisfaction as core, or “strong” ties.     2    . There you can find the people who cheer, serve, support, comfort, educate, motivate, and entertain you.

Claire gets cheered up by going to the library and chatting with her favorite librarian every week. Sherry gets great joy from her Sunday breakfasts at a local diner because the manager and her favorite waitress are nice to her.     3    . I remember discussing Anna Karenina on an airplane with a wise economics professor, and finding meaningful moments of joy with street musicians and performers.

    4    . When you show kindness to a stranger, your seemingly small act might stay in their memory as a source of support and positivity. Everyone needs to feel significant in the eyes of another. You could be that person for someone in your extended circle. That’s why it’s so important to reach out to people around you, especially when they’re going through hard times.

When we feel blue or lonely, we tend to turn down social engagements, either to avoid the imagined embarrassment of being the only sad person in a group or because socializing with people we don’t know well can be awkward at first.     5    . Being open to both our strong and weak ties allows us to benefit from the comfort, connection, and community they provide.

10 . There is much conversation about boundaries these days, but what exactly are boundaries? Simply put, boundaries are limits we personally set in order to protect our physical, emotional, and mental health, and they can be set with ourselves, with others, or with both.     1     — physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, and time or effort boundaries.

    2    . They help us to protect ourselves from harm - keep us safe. They also help us to maintain our sense of self and feeling of control over our lives.     3    . The most common reason is that your boundary may mean someone else’s disappointment. Here are some tips when you are setting boundaries.

Initially, be clear and direct. The more clear and direct you are, the more others will be able to respect the boundaries you set. “I’m heading home today at 5 pm” will be understood more clearly than “I need to head home sometime around 5 or 5: 30 pm.”     4    . We can’t expect people to respect our boundaries if we don’t respect theirs. Further more, be willing for others not to like the boundaries you set. At first, this can feel difficult. But ultimately other people will respect you more for having clear boundaries and know what to expect from the relationship, which will become healthier and stronger.     5    .

Once you set boundaries, it’s important to maintain them. At the beginning, it may feel challenging to set and maintain them, but eventually, they can become second nature and we find ourselves in relationships built on mutual respect and care-the kind of relationships we all want to be in.